I raise my eyebrows. “Reuben.”
The silence is so long, but I don’t panic.If you shut me out, I will try again and again. You’re never getting rid of me. Just trust me.
I release a long, slow breath when he nods. “Yes.”
“A bad one from the looks of it.” I keep my tone steady and easy because he looks two seconds away from bolting.
He nods. “We should go in.”
“I don’t think so.”
His eyes flare. “Xavi, you know I have these dreams. I distinctly remember shoving you over the last time you woke me during one.”
“This is the same dream?” I say, and he nods. “You said then that I could never forgive you if I knew what it was about.” I shake my head. “I thought you were dreaming about something you’d done in wartime that was nothing to do with me, but I don’t think that’s true, is it?” The silence grows. “Reuben?”
He sighs, and it’s so weary that it makes tears come to my eyes. “No,” he finally says. “There are so many dreams, darling.”
I have a sudden conviction. “But this one is more important at the moment?” I take a slow breath when he doesn’t answer. “Grey said that you’ve not been the same since you came back from Afghanistan the last time. I didn’t see it at first because I was so angry with you. Now I can see it. You’re haunted.”
He pulls free of the blanket and paces away. “Xavier, you don’t want to know. It will only hurt both of us if I put that image in your head—” He stops abruptly as if shocked at his words.
“I need you to tell me.” I stride over to him.
“Need? How can you know you need this shit?”
I take his hand in mine. “I want to help you carry this. I don’t want you to be alone in the dark with this.” I squeeze his hand gently. “Don’t you know? There isnothingthat you have done that I won’t forgive you for. I think you could even murder someone, and I would help you bury the body.”
“That is not even remotely disturbing.”
I ignore him. “You’re mine. You’ve always been mine on a cellular level. I won’t have you carrying hurt on your own, Reuben. I left you in that state for long enough.” I take a breath. “Share this and let me carry some of the weight the way you’ve been carrying mine for so fucking long.”
The silence lasts for many moments. I’m about to try another approach, when he suddenly moves, and I watch in horror as he crumples. He slides slowly towards the patio flagstones, and I gasp and scramble to grab him. He’s too heavy, though, and lands with a thump.
My heart wrenches. “Oh, my god. Lovey, don’t tell me if you don’t want to,” I say frantically. “We’ll find someone else you can talk to. A therapist. Someone nice who you like.”
I pull his head into me, and he nestles against me. Incredibly, I hear him snort softly. “Are youlaughing?” I say incredulously.
He waves a hand. “It’s just you were so loud in your resolution to hear me out, and now you’ve folded like a cheap deck of cards.”
“Shut up,” I chide. “I just want you happy. So sue me.”
“But if I tell you, then you will know, and you will be disappointed in me.” His voice is low and devoid of humour. “I wanted to carry it on my own.”
“Remember I’m my own person,” I chide. “A man withagency. Don’t do my thinking for me. Please let me in.” I hold him tightly, covering his shoulders with the blanket again as the wind makes a lonely sighing sound.
“It’s about Jez,” he finally says, the words reluctant and grave.
I think I already knew it. “Yes? Tell me, baby,” I urge as he falls silent again. It’s time for him to let this go, even if it hurts to tell it and to hear it.
“Did you ever read the report on his death?”
“No, I never did. He wasn’t a part of my life, and I didn’t feel the need to know the details. I went to the funeral out of respect and to see you.”
I think of that lonely graveyard and Reuben in his black suit, his arm in a sling and his face grave and faraway. His gaze had passed over me as if he didn’t see me and I’d left with Max, leaving Reuben standing in the rain alone.
I can’t help but stiffen at the awful memory.
He raises his head, his eyes wet. “No,” he says immediately. “It’s done, babe. Over and gone. I forgive you.”
