“I’m fine.”
“You are jumping at shadows.”
So he wasn’t exactly okay, and he could see why she thought talking to a professional was a good idea, but…
Swallowing past the sudden lump in his throat, he softly and hesitantly rasped, “I think I’d have to lie too much for it to be helpful—hah…and I may actually have a breakdown just trying to do that. In fact, just thinking about it makes me feel slightlypanicked.” He cleared his throat when his voice cracked at the end.
Jahla hugged him. “I’m here, ready to listen if you want someone to talk to, Ollie.”
“I…I was scared.” He swallowed again, as he started to tear up, before blurting out fast and in one breath, “And I may have just freaked out on Noble earlier. He came up behind me and all I saw was a shadow, and then my ears were ringing, and I didn’t realize it was him. I made him feel horrible, even though he has done nothing but be nice and take care of me, and he may possibly want to leave me if I keep doing it.”
She pulled back, and he wrinkled his nose as she briefly, yet almost gently, squished his face between her hands. “If he was going to leave you because of a panic attack, he would have done it before now, don’t you think? You know, before there were multiple dead bodies involved?”
She…may have a point there, but still! What if another was just one too many!? And it was different this time. “It’s worse…”
“What is?”
“This…I mean…what happened was worse than with that serial killer. T-there was…more time to think. The other time was over so quickly.” He sniffled. “But the reason was different too. He didn’t want me dead because of what I am. William wanted me dead because he thought I knew what he had done. But Mikael, he…”
Jahla’s brow pulled. “You knew who he was? The witch hunter?”
Ollie blinked. “Didn’t I mention that? Or anyone else for that matter? I mean…yes, he came into the library before. You actually talked to him when he registered for a library card. He was someone Noble had run into before, and knew he was bad news. Someone Noble told me to stay away from.”
“I…see,” his friend drawled way too suspiciously.
“Don’t say it like that,” he huffed.
“I said it normally. But one does have to wonder how he knew Mikael was so dangerous toyouspecifically.”
“He didn’t saymespecifically.”
At least, he didn’t think he had. Though it was a bit hard to recall word for word what Noble had told him about the man. Well…Noble may not have specifically mentioned that everyone else should stay away from Mikael at the time, only that he should. But Ollie was sure that was just Noble being concerned for him because he liked and knew him, rather than being unconcerned for others. Also, he’d probably been worried about him specifically because Noble had known what he was, and possibly what Mikael was. Even if, at the time, his boyfriend hadn’t admitted to knowing, because Ollie hadn’t exactly been ready for it to be known. Though, he could only assume Noble knew what Mikael was because he knew that witches existed.
“Anyway, that is beside the point.”
“And the point is?” she asked with a sarcastic raise of one eyebrow.
He took a shuddering breath. “That I was scared, and I think…I still am. B-but I’m not sure if I’m scared of more hunters coming, or of…of what I’ll do if they come.” A scared whimper slipped out at the thought before he could stop it. “And I d-don’t know what I would have d-done if Noble hadn’t come.”
Jahla eyed Ollie.His eye was no longer swollen, and the bruising was starting to fade enough to actually see the manyfreckles he had on his right cheek, but what remained seemed to emphasize the hurt and fear in his teary eyes.
Her friend’s pain caused her own heart to hurt, so Jahla pulled him back into a hug.
“Ollie, I’m glad Noble managed to stop you. Taking a life isn’t something that should be done lightly. That being said, no one would have blamed you if you had.”
As much as she was now even more suspicious of Noble, she was grateful for the asshole being there, she supposed.
Ollie yanked from her hold, snapping as he slapped his chest. “But it wasn’t me!” Her friend sniffled. “I mean… Ha...it was, but…it wasn’t? I don’t know. I can still feel it inside me; the hatred and rage that never really felt like mine. Anytime I think about what happened to Red, what almost happened, or when I think about someone else I care about getting hurt because of me, because I am not enough, because I am too weak, it flares up! It’s like it is…waiting for the right moment to rush forward and take control again.”
There was…a lot to unpack in what Ollie had just said, but she wasn’t sure she could comment on most of it. Because the truth was…if anyone had asked her before this if Ollie was capable of purposely killing anyone, she’d have definitively said no. But the way Ollie spoke about the emotions made her think something far beyond her knowledge was going on here.
“Ollie, you ARE enough, and you are NOT weak.”
“But I am! If I had just tried to read that damn book of mine, tried to learn, if I had just stopped being in denial for so long, maybe most of what happened wouldn’t have! Red almost died, Jay.” He sobbed as his tears broke free. “I felt him slipping away!”
Jahla carefully brushed a few tears off the side of Ollie’s face that wasn’t bruised.
“Hun, you’ve only been a witch for a little over a month. Which is the same amount of time you’ve known they actually exist. No one expects you to learn everything you possibly can about being one in that short time, especially not when you were, and still are, coming to terms with it.”
