I breathe a sigh of relief. I don't think she knows who I am. Maybe she needs me to reach something.
“I would like to give you something,” she says as she opens one of the refrigerated doors and reaches inside. Orrr I'm about to be slut shamed in public by a blue hair.
“What's that?” I ask, lacing my voice with sweetness. But I'm not sure she heard me because her head is buried in the cooler. Wow she's really digging in there. I'm about to offer her help when she backs up, lets the door shut and then drops an entire armful of whipped cream cans in our cart.
I just stand there, jaw dropped. This feisty little woman shrugs and does a jazzy little dance and says, “You boys need to stock up. I can't wait for the next episode.” then she tilts her glasses down her nose and says, “I will definitely be watching.”
I bark the loudest laugh and Spence groans.
“Omigod, I love you so much. What is your name?”
“I'm Rose,” she says on a giggle.
“I want to hug you. Can I hug you?”
“You better,” she says. I lean down and give her a gentle squeeze and whisper in her ear, “You just made my day better. Thank you.”
She rubs my back and says, “Give 'em hell,” and then she's off as quickly as she appears.
I turn back to Spence and the look on his face nearly levels me. It's full of a warmth I'm not sure I've seen from him before. I shift on my feet, not knowing what to do with that, and say, “C'mon. Let's put these cans back and go pay.”
Spence looks down into the cart then back to my face and says, “The cans stay in the cart.”
I lean closer and drop my voice. “We need to leave right now.” Then I barrel past him, whipped cream cans clanking the whole way.
This wasn't so bad. I'm sure we'll have plenty of blowback to deal with, but I was able to go to the market unscathed.
As we stand in line though, a woman gets in line behind us. She looks like she fell out of an ‘80s hair band music video, except the leopard print mini skirt and tank top are about two sizes too small, her belly hanging over the top of the skirt. Blonde hair teased to the sky. After a minute she recognizes me. She gives me a look of disgust and I ignore her.
The person in front of us finishes checking out and the cashier starts scanning our items as Spence unloads them onto the belt. Meanwhile, Hagatha continues to leer at me. Then she sees all the cans of whipped cream going on the belt and scoffs in disgust. I turn and look her dead in the eyes and she says, “You should be ashamed of yourself with this gay shit. You've ruined your legacy. I'm making my kids burn their jerseys and posters. You disgust me.”
It hits hard and fast. My stomach turns sour and I can't speak. Suddenly, our cart is flung forward, and Spence is face to face with this pleasant member of society.
“Sweetie,” Spence starts. “If that skirt climbs any higher, you're going to slip a lip.”
She gasps but Spence isn't done. “Then this lovely cashier is going to have to make you place it on the scale to weigh for deli meat.”
It's taking everything in me not to laugh. But he keeps going. “Then it'll be a whole thing with you arguing the price of roast beef. People will record on their phones. You'll be the one that goes viral, which, honestly, would do us a huge favor. So, unlessyouwant to be the story, I suggest you mind your own business and take your trashy ass to another checkout lane.”
She just stares at Spence, then makes a disgusted noise and wheels her cart to a couple lanes over.
We turn back so we can pay for our groceries and get the hell out. The cashier is scanning the last item, but her shoulders are shaking as she tries to conceal a laugh. Spence pulls out his card and taps it to the machine, and the cashier leans forward and whispers, “That was amazing.”
Spence just nods and gives her a half smile. I can tell he's steamed. I'm just trying not to burst out laughing.
We get to the car, and Spence starts throwing bags in the back and I'm just staring at him. He slams the trunk lid and says, “What? Why are you looking at me like that?”
“No one's ever stood up for me like that. Ever.”
He shrugs, “It's nothing.”
“It's not nothing.”
He shifts on his feet and says, “Ryan—”
“You liiiiike me,” I singsong, cutting him off.
Spence tilts his head to the sky, “Oh fuck off.”
