“Of course I'm worried that I'll get hurt.”
“Yes, but that wasn't your first response. If I had asked you the same question about any other potential mate over the pastfew years, your first instinct would have been to protect yourself, not them, correct?”
I bury my hands in my face and groan. “I don't like you anymore.”
Dr. Walker laughs and I drop my hands from my face.
“And ew, don't say mate. No one says that anymore.”
Dr. Walker barks a laugh. “Noted. Now talk to me about the kissing.”
I groan again. “Do I have to?”
“No. But I think you should. There's a reason you shared that piece of information with me.”
I sigh. “It's weird, right?”
Dr. Walker shrugs. “Not necessarily.”
I lean forward. “I'm not ignorant, Doc. I know it's not the norm. I know most people kiss during casual sexual experiences and it doesn’t mean anything more than sex. I know something is messed up in my brain, especially after Travis, that I can't just kissanybody. Casual sex…awesome. But I can't seem to give that part of me. In fact, I haven't kissed anyone since Travis.”
“And why do you think that is?”
I shrug. “I don't know, that's why I'm asking you. I know I put it on a pedestal or some shit, but I'm worried I'm broken. I should be able to kiss Ryan after all this time, right? I mean, I've come close. Several times. He's annoyingly tempting. But something keeps pulling me back.”
Dr. Walker smiles. “Can I suggest what that something might be?”
I throw my hands up. “Please. Enlighten me.”
Dr. Walker scoots closer to the screen. “First off, I know I don't need to educateyouabout the sexual identity spectrum.”
I furrow my brows.
“But I think you're forgetting to apply it to yourself. Sexuality is more than gender attraction, you know this. Different peopleplace different significance on any number of sexual acts. Kissing, for example, can be weighted as far more than just casual intimacy for some.”
“Okayyy” I say.
“You may want to look closer at the traits of being demisexual. Demisexual men can engage in physical or sexual activity casually, but they often reserve deep intimate acts like kissing for someone they are romantically attached to. However, given your past, I suspect dismissive-avoidant attachment issues could be at play here.”
“Well, I do excel in the dismissive-avoidant arts. Five stars. But, fine, I’ll play. What is that?”
Walker chuckles again. “Some individuals with dismissive-avoidant attachment find deep emotional closeness uncomfortable, so they intentionally avoid kissing to keep the interaction purely physical. You might want to consider this is simply due to the impact of your past experiences. The thing likely holding you back, Spencer, is trust.”
I lean back. “Yeah, that all makes sense.”
“That's the easy part, though. Trust issues…it's not a difficult conclusion to arrive at. Learning to give that trust when someone has earned it? That's the hard part.”
“How do I do that?” I sigh.
“There's no magic bullet, Spencer,” Dr. Walker says, “But I recommend starting with identifying all the ways that Ryan trustsyouand deciding what you can give back.”
I shake my head and lean back. “Welp, you've bested me, yet again.”
Dr. Walker smiles and winks and I say, “Yeah-yeah. Just remember, I don't pay you to outsmart me—”
“You pay me not tell anyone that I have. I know.”
I finger gun him and Dr. Walker laughs, then asks the three questions he ends each of our calls with. “Have you forgiven your father?”
