I laugh softly. “Just thinking how sweet it is that you take time out of your busy schedule to aim that sunshine of yours their way for a few hours.”
He shifts, angling toward me in the passenger seat. I drum my fingers on the steering wheel. “And that maybe I was unfair about you. Just because you’re a jock.”
I don’t have to look to know he’s grinning like a fool. Slowly, his hand creeps onto my thigh. “I bet it makes you want to kiss me, doesn’t it?” He starts rubbing slow circles and my grip on the wheel tightens until my knuckles ache.
“Ryan, we’ve been over this.”
He grins wider, fingers still moving. “Yeah, and I mean, I can’t say I understood it completely, but I respect it. And our little arrangement worked for me, too. I get good dick on the regular without having to risk being outed.”
I can’t respond, the only thing I can focus on is the word worked. Past tense.
Ryan’s voice softens. “It’s justsomething shifted after my injury. You care, at least a little, or you wouldn’t be doing all this.”
I let out a long breath. “You’re right.”
His hand freezes. “Wait, I am?”
I laugh, shaky. “I have serious trust issues, Ryan. That’s not on you. Travis really fucked me up, but honestly, there was more before him. It wasa hard period of time in my life. He was the last straw.”
Ryan’s voice goes low and rough. “I still want to find that motherfucker.”
I shake my head. “That’s sweet. But even before Travis, kissing always meant more to me than sex. Maybe I’m messed up, but that’s just how I’m wired. After Travis, I promised myself I wouldn’t kiss another man until I knew, without a doubt, he was the one.”
Ryan hums, and it sounds a little dejected.
“And” I continue, “I can’t get to ‘without a doubt’ with someone who isn’t fully out. If I let myself fall for you, then saw you on TMZ with some blonde actress, it would destroy me, Ryan. So, no, kissing is off the table.”
Ryan’s hand falls away and panic prickles up my spine. I can’t believe I just spilled all of that. He says nothing, and I’m about to apologize or maybe just jump out of the moving car when I hear an outgoing ring tone. I look over and Ryan has his phone on speaker.
“Hey Butters, what’s up?” Anthony’s voice fills the car.
“Not much. Hey, I’ve made a decision. I want completely out of my contract. I’m going to retire and cite the injury. But Anthony?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m not going to focus on recovery just so I can play football. My leg will never be the same, we all know it, and I’m out for the season anyway. I don’t want to entertain any wait and see scenarios. Just get me the best exit you can. I know it may cost me, but I’m done.”
Anthony sighs. “I’m sorry, Butters. I’m behind you one hundred percent. If you’re sure, I’ll take care of everything.”
Ryan’s eyes flick to me. “Oh, I’m sure.” He keeps staring. “Oh, and Anthony?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m going to need you to set up a few interviews sometime in the future. There’s something I need to share when the time’s right.”
“Consider it done.”
“Thanks,” Ryan says, and hangs up.
I swallow, unsure if any of that just happened or if it was some kind of fever dream. There’s no way—
He taps the dash. “Pull over.”
“Ryan, what?”
“Pull. Over.”
I panic. Looking for a way out of this conversation, I look down at my shirt, then say, “No, it’s a cardigan.”
