‘Tell Ronan I said “Yo!” next time you see him!’ said Mick Maloney, coming round with a bounce between Jennifer and me.
‘Will do,’ I said, as Mick half jogged into the canteen.
‘You seeing him tonight?’ Jennifer asked.
‘Yeah.’
‘You really should ask him if he’d be up for coming into school, even if just to see his old form class – it might be good for him?’
‘Yeah, maybe I will.’
But I knew it was more complicated than that for Ronan.
‘OK well, go study,’ she said.
‘OK, well, go eat,’ I said.
She stalled for a second.
‘Brendan. I think … I think what it is … I think I was looking forward to the formal so much because, well, I knew we weren’t going to have the chance to get properly close or anything, but I wanted us to have a special moment together, just us. I maybe thought the night was our … well,ours.’ She was starting to get flustered. ‘I’m going to sound awful …’
‘No, what is it?’
‘Well, it was sort of Ronan’s, wasn’t it? I don’t mean this in a bad way and I know it was brilliant, I’m not blaming you, but most of the night I was on my own watching you taking photos of everyone and … doesn’t matter.’
I felt hot on the back of my neck. I had no idea that Jennifer had felt alone on the night of the formal, no idea that all my attention on Ronan had taken so much attention away from her. I didn’t know that maybe I’d ruined her night. And yet I didn’t want to apologise for that. I didn’t want to feel guilty for putting so much energy into giving my best friend the experience of the formal he couldn’t go to. I didn’t want to feel bad about that experience coming at the expense of Jennifer; but it did and I did feel bad and I had no words.
Jennifer stood waiting for me to say something, anything, but I didn’t.
‘I shouldn’t have said …’ she said.
I think I was nodding slowly, trying to understand how a night that felt so wonderful for me felt so different for her. I’d made such an effort with everything, we’d even kissed at the end of the night.
‘So … these past weeks,’ I said, ‘you didn’t mention … are you saying you haven’t asked about Ronan because …’
‘No …’ she said, ‘not because … Forget I said anything, Brendan. I did have a brilliant night, I really did, it was just different than I thought, that’s all. I shouldn’t have built it up.’
My throat felt tight. I didn’t know if I was angry or embarrassed or both.
‘Yeah, I guess we were lucky to have beenableto go …’ I said.
Jennifer seemed to have caught my meaning. She tried a smile but couldn’t hold it.
‘Tomorrow,’ she said, ‘if we’re … tomorrow I’d really love to hear about how Ronan is,’ she said, trying to catch my eye.
‘And …’ my throat was now burning, ‘I’d really love to tell you,’ I said, despite not knowing if I really would after what she’d just said.
Jennifer shifted from side to side, turned unsteadily andwalked off slowly to the canteen. I leaned against the wall in a slight daze before mustering up some energy to get myself to the library to try to study, to focus, to distract myself with things that had answers and escape from the things in my head that didn’t.
When I saw Ronan later that night, I briefed him on the usual list of greetings and well wishes from everyone at school.
‘Mick told me to say “Yo”.’
His eyes brightened and his chest rose and he laughed.
‘Yah-oh,’ he said.
‘Ronan, with everyone talking about you, do you think you’d be up for coming into school one day – only for a bit, not the whole day or anything?’
