Even though I was looking at the ground, I could feel her gaze on me, soothing me as best she could.
‘And I was really looking forward to our lunch together today,’ she said.
‘Me too, Miss,’ I said.
When I looked up she had that gentle smile on her face and I tried to smile back. As positive as I was trying to be in front of her, I couldn’t help but feel it was my fault that Ronan had kicked up a storm that morning to avoid going to school and avoid a repeat of his first day all over again; avoidme. I had woken up wanting to see Ronan more than anything, whereas Ronan had woken up and made it clear he didn’t want to see me at all.
There was only one time Ronan and me ever fell out and I don’t even think it really counts as a proper falling out. It was before the Easter holidays in second year and a lot of boys in our year were doing this thing where you punched someone on the arm to make it go numb. You had to hit in just the right spot or else it didn’t work. A lot of boys were doing it to Ronan and he was doing it back and they all seemed to be having a good laugh about it.
But Ronan never did it to me.
One of the days him and me were queuing up in the canteen and Joseph Boyd started playing the punch game with Ronan. I got caught up in their laughter and energy and when Ronan turned away from me to get Joseph I took a step out and threw a punch at his arm in the way I saw all the other boys do.
Ronan turned.
‘What’d you do that for?’ he said, suddenly very serious.
‘I was just joining in,’ I said.
‘Oh right,’ he said, ‘with my back turned?’
‘I didn’t know that was the rule,’ I said.
‘It isn’t,’ he said, ‘it’s just something no one does, hitting someone when they’ve got their back turned.’
I started to feel a burn in my throat.
‘Right,’ I said.
‘Right,’ he said, frowning.
I told him I needed to go to the toilet even though I didn’t and left the queue.
I stood in the cubicle for five minutes, just staring down into the bowl, and then came out and washed my hands.
When I stepped outside a punch landed on my arm and instant numbness ran down the length of it.
‘That’s how you’re supposed to do it,’ said Ronan with a big smile on his face.
I looked at him, confused.
‘I had my back turned,’ I said.
‘Yeah, well,’ he said, ‘now we’re even.’ And he gave me a playful push. ‘I was only joking you anyway.’
I started to laugh and he did too. It wasn’t the same way we always laughed because most times our eyes were too screwed up to see each other, but for that one time only we laughed holding each other’s gaze.
On what should have been Ronan’s second day back at school, after everything that had happened the day before, all I wanted was another chance to get things right.
‘It might be a day-to-day thing,’ said Mrs O’Neill, ‘but we’ll let Ronan lead us.’
‘Same old Ronan, Miss, taking the lead,’ I said, trying to override my disappointment.
‘Just the same old Ronan indeed,’ she said. ‘I love your outlook on things, Brendan.’
‘Thanks, Miss. I don’t know where I get it from, definitely not my dad – don’t tell him I said that.’
‘No, I won’t indeed,’ she laughed.
