‘Yes, Miss.’
She nodded with a frown and looked down at the lino floor so that I was staring at the top of her head.
‘Because he’s not really Ronan anymore, Miss, is he?’
She didn’t look up.
‘Miss!’ I said, louder than I expected. ‘He’s not really my friend anymore, is he?’
She slowly looked up, gleams of light from the window sparkled her gaze.
‘He isn’t,’ I said.
‘What makes you say that?’ she finally asked.
‘Because Ronan would never do what he just did, he’d never make me feel …’
I didn’t want to say any of the words in my head: embarrassed, afraid, alone, angry. Every one of them made me feel ashamed.
‘… feel like I’ve lost something,’ I said instead.
‘And what is it you feel you’ve lost, Brendan?’
‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘Him. Ronan. The one from before. Why can’t he just be like that? Why’s he acting like this?’
‘Well,’ said Mrs O’Neill, joining her hands and leaningtowards me, ‘Ronan’s been through a lot and I don’t think any of us can really comprehend how it feels for him. But could you imagine if you came to me today with all these feelings you have but you had no way of communicating them to me? What would you do?’
‘I don’t know,’ I said.
‘I don’t know either,’ said Mrs O’Neill. ‘It’s a big change for everyone and sometimes we just have to meet changes head-on in whatever form they take and treasure the memories from before. Who’s to say that’s not the very thing that Ronan himself is trying to do? Now I know you said you wish you didn’t remember Ronan as he was but would you really want to wish away all those treasures of your friendship and start all over again?’
The reel ran in my mind. Ronan and me stifling laughter in the assembly line because he farted and everyone was starting to smell it. Ronan’s earnest eyes looking at me as he handed me a sympathy card on the first day back to school after Granny died. Ronan’s determined frown after school one day as he practice-drilled me for the hundred-metre race for sports day. Ronan, upside down in the canteen, practising handstands until the dinner lady kicked him out and then seeing his two feet through the window as he did a handstand-walk the entire length of the canteen from outside. I ran out to join him and found him lying flat on the ground in hysterics. I stood over him. Any time Ronan laughed like that, I did too.
‘No, Miss,’ I said. ‘I wouldn’t.’
‘I’m glad to hear you say that, Brendan, because those were wonderful times you had, wonderful memories, weren’t they? You wouldn’t want to throw those away forever if you had the choice, would you?’
‘No, Miss, it’s just that remembering makes it harder.’
‘I know. But not impossible. Not impossible to feel like thatagain, for both of you,’ she said. ‘So I think I was wrong when I saideverythingis new, because some things are the same, aren’t they? It’ll just take a bit of time, patience and strength to find them again. We’ll just have to find and feel the old things in a new way.’
‘You should copyright that, Miss,’ I said, ‘“find and feel the old things in a new way.”’
We laughed.
Then we were quiet for a short time.
‘Do you want to sit here for a bit and I’ll go and speak to Roberta and see how Ronan is?’
‘OK, Miss. Thanks, Miss.’
‘You’re welcome, Brendan. Everything’s going to be fine.’
I wasn’t sure if I could see Ronan again that day or not, I was still a bit shaky, and as it turned out I didn’t even get the chance. Mrs O’Neill told me his mum came with Matty to pick him up and take him home. I felt miserable all afternoon, convinced everyone was looking at me and talking about what had happened. I wanted the day to end and yet I was dreading home time because the last thing I wanted to do was get on a bus with all those gossiping voices. I sat on the front seat and tried to deafen myself to the noise, staring out the window and watching the wintry world flash by until my stop came and I stepped off and breathed.
13
‘Well Brendan, what about a drive?’
