The first eight years of her babies’ lives had been nothing but anxiety and dread and appeasement. When she should have been making the most of those precious years, she’d been trapped in a web of lies, deception and contempt. Because whatever he said about caring for them, the fact was his so-called love wasn’t worth anything. He’d treated themallwith contempt. If he’d really cared, he’d have left them a long time ago so they could get on with their lives in peace.
‘Well,’ he said dully, ‘now you know. What do we do now?’
‘I think,’ she said, ‘that you need to find your own place. We can’t live together, that much is obvious, and the twins need some stability.’
‘You really want us to separate?’ he asked, clearly taken aback. ‘Officially?’
‘Joel, we’re already separated,’ she pointed out. ‘The decision’s already made. Now we have to get on with it.’
‘You sound so cold,’ he said. ‘I never thought you could be like this.’
‘Neither did I,’ she told him. ‘This is about Hallie and Ada and how we make it easiest for them. They’re at primary school until they’re eleven. I don’t want to disrupt their lives any more than I have to until then, but when they’re ready for high school, we can put this house on the market and split the proceeds. Move on. In the meantime, you’ll have to rent somewhere, unless you think you can afford to buy a flat in town?’
‘You’re really prepared to let me go?’ he asked, and she really couldn’t tell if he was delighted or dismayed by the realisation.
‘What about the twins?’ she said. ‘Do you want access or…’ The look on his face told her everything. ‘I guess not then.’
‘I will see them,’ he said hastily. ‘Just… just not every weekend. Once a month should be okay, shouldn’t it?’
‘Let’s start with that and see how it goes,’ she said heavily. She could see the future already. The visits to their father’s petering out until they didn’t see him at all. She could only hope that they’d come to terms with that. She would do her utmost to make their lives so happy and full of love that they wouldn’t feel his loss so badly. She just hoped she could succeed.
‘What about now?’ he asked. ‘Do you want me to hang around? Explain it to the twins?’
‘Explain what to the twins? They already know we’ve separated. You took care of that at Gillan’s, remember? What else is there to say, unless you want to tell them that you don’t love them? Even you can’t be that cruel, surely?’
‘No. No, that’s not what I meant at all. I take your point. I guess there’s nothing much else to say, is there? I’ll get my bags and go.’
They both stood and Joel went over to the sink to rinse out his coffee cup. ‘Well,’ he said, looking round the kitchen one last time. ‘I guess this is it.’
‘I guess it is.’
It was funny. She’d always thought that, when this moment came, she’d be in pieces. A sobbing wreck. Now all she felt was relief. It was finally over. This long, torturous game was finished. She was glad.
‘Where will you go?’ she asked, following him into the hallway where he stooped to collect the black bags.
He shrugged. ‘I’ll try Louis’s house. If Sandie lets me stay a while, I’ll be okay there. If not, I suppose I can stay with my mum.’ He pulled a face and she didn’t blame him. If anything should have warned her how Joel would turn out, it was probably his cold-hearted mother. ‘It won’t be for long anyway. I’m sure I can find a house or flat somewhere pretty quickly with my salary.’ He hesitated. ‘We should talk about money.’
‘Not now,’ she said with a sigh. ‘Let’s leave that to our solicitors, shall we?’
His eyes widened a little, as if he was only just starting to realise the implications of what was happening. Solicitors. Divorce. It was all suddenly very real to him.
‘I suppose that would be best,’ he said at last. ‘I hope you’ll be all right, Jenna. All of you.’
‘We will be,’ she promised. ‘We have family to help us. People who love us. Really love us.’
‘Lucky you. What will you do now? Are you going back to Kelsea Sands or?—?’
‘I am,’ she said, feeling her spirits rise even as she thought of the little village between the sea and the river. ‘There’s nowhere I’d rather be.’
As she watched him drive away, she leaned her head against the front door for a moment, thinking about everything that had just happened between them. Despite it all, she wished him well. She hoped one day he’d find someone he truly loved, who’d love him in return. He hadn’t had much of a loving upbringing, that was for sure.
But that wasn’t her problem any more.Joelwasn’t her problem any more. She had a life to live, with her beautiful daughters, her mum and Mac, her grandparents and great aunt and uncle and Rosie and…
Sam?
She locked the door behind her and got back into her car. It was time to put the final piece of the jigsaw of her life into place.
26
