“It’s everything else. This is all becoming more than I signed up for, and I shouldn’t have signed up for anything in the first place.”
“How is this becoming more?”
She looks at me flatly. “Don’t play dumb, Jake. I see the way you look at me.”
I swallow hard, alarms ringing in my head. I want to deny it if only to save face. But it would be pointless. I’m looking at her that same way right now. Like she’s the answer to every question the universe could ever hold.
“So?”
“So?” she echoes. “You want more than this.” She gestures between us. “You want more than the friendship we’re hiding behind.”We’rehiding behind.
I didn’t break my gaze. “So do you.”
A fiery desire flickers across her face. She doesn’t accept or deny my claim, so I press further.
“Am I wrong?” I take a step forward and close the space between us. “You don’t think of me like that, ofuslike that? You don’t want anything else?”
She licks her perfect, pouty lips, and her throat dips. “It doesn’t matter what we want. I can’t be what you want me to be. I can’tdoall of that.”
“All ofwhat?” I ask, my voice raising. “Say it, Alana. Don’t hold back now. You’ve had nothing but words and opinions from the moment I met you. Don’t silence them now.”
“You look at me like I’m some fuckingangel,and I’m not!” she yells. My heart thuds loudly in my ears as panic rises in my chest. “You look at me like I could save you. Like I’mgood! Like you know in your heart that I’m good, and I’m n—”
“What does that even mean? Alana, youaregood. How could you possibly be anything else?”
She shuts her eyes, and when a tear slips out, I close the last of the space keeping us apart and hold her in my arms.
“Alana.” I take her face in my hands. “You think because you had some shitty childhood with some fucked up parents,you’re not good? You think because your dad’s too damn broken to fix himself, that what he says is true? You are nothing short of amazing.”
“I’m not,” she cried, her voice shaky.
“Youare. You’re the most amazing person I’ll ever know. Do you know how many people just pass by the ones who want nothing to do with the world? Do you know how many people won’t even try and help them find their way?Allof them. No one came to save me, Alana. No one even tried. But you did. You took one look at me and knew there was someone that needed you. I look at you like you can save me because that’s what you did for me. You save people every day. You’re a good person, Alana.”
“That’s not true,” she sobs.
“Then why do you help everyone you see, huh? Why do you buy a coffee for the homeless man that sits outside your job every time you work? Why do you stop and hold the door for the person behind you, even when it’s raining? You do those things because you’re good, Alana. Your heart is good and bold andbeautiful,” I breathed. “Everything about you is beautiful.”
A sob falls out of her, and she closes her eyes. She takes a stressed breath before grabbing my wrists.
“See this? This is what I can’t do.” She pulls on my arms and I let them fall, taking a step back only because she wants me to, which pains me even more. “I can’t have you getting in my head like this. You don’t know me, Jake. My shit is none of your business, and it’s not your problem.”
“Idoknow you, and I want it to be my problem. I want to be there for you.”
I want to be everything for you.
“No,” she deadpans. Her eyes close hard again, hiding her pain, but I can’t hide mine. Her words are ripping my heart out.I’m losing. I’m falling off the cliff I never wanted to climb up, and now I’m grasping at nothing but air.
“Okay, fine,” my hands fly up. “Then forget everything else. We can just be surface friends and keep things light and fun, like before. No deep talks. No feelings. There. Done. Easy.”
“It’s not that simple, Jake.” She groans. “We can’t justgo back!”
“Why the hell not?!”
The air between us is thick and heavy with her silence. “Why can’t we just be friends?” I sound just as desperate as I am, but I don’t care.
“Because I don’tneeda friend.”
“Then what do you need?! Tell me what you need so I canbethat for you!” I say with my arm shot out to my side, my other fingers pointed into my chest. I’m pleading. More than that, I’m begging her not to let this go. Not to letmego.
