She hasn’t been at the library. The café. She hasn’t stopped at Donn’s with Lia on her usual days off. She’s even switched to the online option for Professor Stanley’s class for the remainder of the semester.
It all fell apart so quickly. One minute we were complete strangers, and the next, she was this light I looked for like the morning star. One minute she was telling me about her life, and the next, she was shoving me out of it.
I know what she’s trying to do, but she doesn’t understand that I need her. And that she needs me. She needs someone to be there for her. To help her pick up the pieces the way she helped me gather mine. I feel like I’m grasping at straws here, and I’m losing my mind.
I ran into Lia a week after Alana told me she couldn’t see me anymore, and the memory still plays on my mind.
“How is she?” I asked worriedly.
“She’s good,” she said, but it was a lie. I could tell in the way her voice unnaturally hiked up at the end. I eyed her knowingly, and it only took a moment before she gave in.
“Ugh, fine,” she groaned. “She’s not great ,but she’s hanging in there.”
I released a frustrated breath, my gaze bouncing around as I bit my lip. “What did she say?”
“Honestly, Jake,” she sighed. “She said nothing.” She shook her face slowly, worry etched between her brows. “She hasn’t said anything. She claims she’s too busy to leave her place, and when we do hang out, she doesn’t want to talk about it. Whatever this is, it’s not good for her. But Jake…” She brought herself into my aimless gaze, forcing my eyes to meet hers. “She really needs to deal with it her way. I don’t know much about her life before here, but I do know she has her own way of handling things, and it’s best to just let her be.”
My jaw tensed as I gritted my teeth. Hopelessness trickled over me like rain, knowing there was nothing I could do to bring the shine back to my light. Because she didn’t want me to.
Lia tilted her head, her eyes filled with compassion. “What happened?”
“Nothing,” I almost yell. I take a deep, cleansing breath to compose myself. “Nothing happened. Or, at least, I don’t know what happened. Everything was fine, and we were friends. We were…” I lace my fingers above my head, resting them on the top of my cap.
I think of the night we spent together. I think of the kiss, of the way it felt to hold her until the morning. Like finding the place you were meant for. But I don’t tell Lia any of that, because she’snot my friend to tell. “We were talking. And then we just weren’t. And I have no idea why.”
Except now, I think I do. I think I know exactly what happened. She opened up when she didn’t mean to, and it scared the absolute hell out of her. I know the fear that’s born when you realize the walls you’ve carefully placed are no longer standing as strong. I understand how scary it is when you notice the confines of friendship feel like restraints that don’t belong there. I know because I was there just before her. Maybe for different reasons, but I was there. I was afraid, and she understood. Now it’s my turn to return the favor.
I’ve given her space. I’ve given her time. I’ve given her silence when all I want is to be with her. Talk with her.Seeher.
I’ve only texted her once these past few weeks, the day after I ran into Lia. I couldn’t ignore the pull. I wanted to show her she could have space and we could still be us. It doesn’t have to be goodbye, no matter what her life outside of Austin is like. Her past doesn’t have to change our present.
She could have both if she wanted.
I pull out my phone and reread the messages.
ME:I gather you’re not looking to talk to me right now, which is fine. Totally acceptable. We are still very much not talking.
She didn’t answer, but I expected as much. I kept going, anyway.
ME:However, as a person who is accepting of our non-talking terms, I still find it imperative to report that I watchedTitanictoday and did, in fact, hold myself together.
Sheresponded a few minutes later, and a surge of excitement hit my chest at the small victory.
ALANA:I have to agree. This was of high-level importance to report. Also, said report sounds like a lie.
I smiled at my phone like an idiot when I first read her reply. The words were simple, but they were all I needed—an opening.
ME:It may be a slight stretch of the truth, but I held myself together enough to talk about it with Nate. You know, Jack did try to climb onto the door, but it almost flipped over, which is why he shamelessly settled for hypothermia.
ALANA:Lol, so you agree with the rest of the world that there was room for two?
ME:Undoubtedly, yes. But not at her expense.
ALANA:*Gasp* Jake Cooper, have you turned into a romantic on me?
ME:Now who’s stretching the truth?
But it was true. I had turned into a romantic on her. I had turned into a romanticbecauseof her. Because of how she softened the rough edges of the world. She rewrote the way I felt about life without ever trying. She just existed in my orbit.
