“Oh yeah, that’s what that means. Pretty bird. You’re picking up the stone language quick, Chirp!” Smuta stated as we saddled the ponies for another day of rock climbing. “You need to learn some good Dwarven insults for when you’re with the miners. They ain’t partial to the snooty talk of the pointy ears. No offense. I think your ears are kind of cute.” She reached out to flick the tip of my ear and snickered. “Always pointing right up like a stiff prick!”
The twins laughed lewdly. I felt my cheeks pinken, the cold air raw on my hot face.
“Leave the boy alone. He’s got a horse to tend to,” Asdren barked at us as he ambled past, his beard braided tightly into three plaits with some round blue stone beads woven into the twists. When had he done that? After I had gone to bed, obviously, but why bother with such adornment halfway up a mountain when the only people who would see him were us and our horses, and the horses did not care if he looked handsome.
“Is there a dwarven religious day taking place I did not know of?” She shot me a confused look. “The blue beads in his beard.”
“Ah, them are there for you,” she replied casually.
“Me? What…I cannot think—”
“He gussied up for you. You got his eye, Chirp.” The wink she gave me was outlandish.
“Surely not. He hates me.”
“Think what you want, but I’ve traveled with Asdren for longer than you’ve been out of clouts, and I ain’t never seen him bead up his beard before. Not even when he met your king.” I shook that nonsense away with a firm shake of my head. She shrugged. “Be a rockhead then, but I’m telling you he’s sporting a stone serpent in his breeches for you. I told him to stop being a fucking rock eater and offer you a tumble by the fire, but he’s got his head all up his arse over going back to the tunnels. Maybenow you know he’s sniffing ’round you could mention you’d like a good rut to break the tension.” I gaped, my face flaming. “Fine. Both of you keep being footstools then, see if I care.”
Offer to lie with him? No. No. He was a heartless pork belly. I winced. Perhaps I did need to learn some Dwarvish insults. Mine were lacking. Also, a change of topic was badly needed before I combusted.
“Will you teach me some insults?” I asked the female. She grinned and slapped me on the back so hard my teeth rattled.
“Be happy to, Chirp. Let’s start with the basics. The easiest thing to throw out to any dwarf is to say ‘You, then insert whatever tickles your titties to be followed by, like an elf.’ For instance, ‘You dig like an elf.’ No offense.”
“I amnotsaying that.” I crouched down to lift Newt’s hoof to reapply the treatment and wrap it yet again. Soon I would be shredding my shirt to cover his bruise.
“Nah, figured not. Well, you can always say that their mother’s mother fucked a troll.” The twins snorted in amusement while tightening cinch straps. “Or, you can say they got the work ethic of a human, or that they’re beardless jackasses, or that they could choke on a meat helmet.” The last one even made me laugh out loud. “I got lots. All depends on the situation and the dwarf you’re slinging words with. We’ll work on it though.”
“Our da used to tell us that we was duller than a soapstone hammer,” Dulgar called out as he climbed into the saddle. His brother hooted with glee.
Smuta shot me a look. “Seems their da knew them well,” she said to the side. I had to hide my laughs in Newt’s side so as not to offend the twins. They were likeable enough sorts as was Smuta. Shame the same could not be said about their leader.
“My da used to say never bet on a limping hog,” Asdren interjected. We all gazed at him in confusion. “He also said thatthe day starts at dawn. So why thefuckare we still standing here with our cocks in our hands?”
“I’m holding my twat,” Smuta replied as she grabbed her crotch.
“Smart-arsed wench. We leave now. Chirp, get that horse wrapped or him and you’ll be left behind.”
“Why is that always his threat? Does he think I cannot survive alone?” I asked the horse. Smuta replied for the pony who was too busy trying to nose in my pocket for apple slices.
“He’s not always like this,” she whispered while stepping up beside me. I knelt down to tug on the wrapping around Newt’s hoof, putting me a little lower than the buxom female. “Trust me, if he were, he’d be a solo act. He’s a good man, just carrying a lot on his shoulders. Between you, me, and this pony, I think he’s looking at the bottom of the shaft growing closer every day. Might be he’s thinking to take this haul and settle down somewhere with a dog and some hogs. Maybe even a man who might be into living a rural existence.”
“He’s abrasive,” I mumbled.
“Yeah, I know, it’s a trait most of us from under the shale share. Got to tell you this, though, and do with it what you will. The more a dwarf likes you, the more he wants to chafe your stones. We ain’t into flowery speech most times.”
I mulled that over for a moment. Asdren had said some poetic things to me. Calling me a pretty bird, saying my eyes were like moss on a tree. My schooling came from Granny, not from a tutor like the Prince and Princess of Melowynn, but even I could tell Asdren had great tenderness inside him when he wasn’t trying to be such a bunion on my arse.
“I will keep that in mind. We should get moving. He seems to be in a foul humor.” I gave Newt a pat and an apple wedge from my pocket. I saved my fruit for the horses. They needed it more than I did, for they were carrying us and our supplies.
“Chirp! Best get to wing or you’re flying alone!” Asdren yelled while plodding off on the back of his pony, wild hair blowing in the cold wind.
I waved a hand in his direction.
“Nah, he’s just being a cantankerous prick. I think deep down he likes you, Chirp, he just don’t know what to do with it. I see him watching you when you ain’t awares. Trust me, that man likes you plenty well.”
She gave me a pat on the cheek. I stood, rubbing my face, as my sight moved from her to Asdren.
“Chirp! I swear on my granny’s saggy titties that you’ll be left behind for the yeti to nibble on if you don’t get your arse on a fucking horse!”
