Somehow, I suspect the answer is yes. That he can feel the frantic thump in my veins as the top stair creeps closer. That his heart shrivels alongside mine as I squeeze my eyes shut and brace for gravity to?—
Up I go, limbs flailing. I swear the fall lasts forever.
Thump. I collide with the floor, the impact folding my legs, then my arms. I list sideways and end up flat on my belly, my knees throbbing, my cheek smushed against the cool marble tile.
Oh, goddess. Oh, Ishanna. I made it, but I hurt, and I never want to do that ever again.
“Princess?” Panic threads through Amriel’s tone.“Sariah?”
I pull my wrist to my face with a groan. Amriel stares out, his brow creased, his gaze desperate, and…good goddess. He looks so wrecked, sobeautiful, that my vision goes blurry for a moment.
“I’m here,” I say. “I’m fine.”
He eases back. But his expression doesn’t change, and the musculature of one shoulder flexes and rolls, as if…
I frown. Wait a minute. “Amriel? What’re you holding?”
He doesn’t answer. Just glances to the side, toward whatever he has in his hand.
“Amriel. What’re youholding?”
A muscle feathers in his jaw. “Nothing.”
A sick feeling erupts at the very bottom of my belly. Because I know it’s not nothing. He wouldn’t have made me pause fornothing. And he keeps his gyre up in the solarium, in his desk drawer. “Then why’d you make me wait? What were you going to do if I fell?”
He exhales hard through his nose. “Nothing. I don’t know. What does it matter?”
I blink, my eyes too hot, a sting rushing up the back of my throat. I would wager anything that he’s holding his gyre at this very moment. “I told you not to come in here. Itoldyou. Promise me you won’t. No matter what.”
He just looks at me. And says nothing.
Ugh. I clamber up. It’s either that or surrender to the tears inexplicably bathing the backs of my eyes, and I don’t needthat. No, I need to get out of here. To find my way back to the awkward distance we had a few minutes ago. To just…not talk to him for a minute. Not look at him, either.
So I drop my wrist and start down the hallway. A door waits at the end, and I sniff away the burn in my eyes as I focus on reaching it. When I do, I turn the handle and step through without looking back.
Good riddance to these awful stairways.
Outside, another meadow opens around me, replete with birdsong and the cajoling caress of the wind. I wade out into the grass, loadtwopockets with pebbles this time, and continue on.
The very first tree I reach has a door set into it.
I pause. Stare at the sky long enough to gather my composure. Then glance down at my bracelet. “Thank you,” I say, willing my voice not to wobble. “For talking me through that. For…being there.”
Amriel nods, battling whatever expression is currently trying to take over his face. But to my shock, heloses. A thousand shades of misery paint his features, each one so raw that my breath stalls in my throat.
“I know you think…” he starts, then falters. A muscle ticks in his jaw, and while I know I should close the connection, I can’t bring myself to do it. Not when he looks like this.
He glances down. Drags a hand through his hair, leaving it even more rumpled. “I know you think my Shadow’s the better half of me.”
The words land heavily, like a knife he’s plucked from his chest and let clatter onto the floor.
I stem a harsh breath. Ishanna’s blood, but I should never have said that. Not when I knew Amriel could hear me. I was just…angry, and overwhelmed, and desperate.
“And you’re right,” he continues, still not meeting my eyes. “I know you’re right, that he’s the better man. But that’s only because…”
My teeth clamp down on my bottom lip. I wait and wait and wait.
“Because I don’t know how to be a…” His throat moves on a swallow. “I’ve just never…”
