Because goddess, if Carina had saved him, it would have taken her only moments. If Amriel were alive right now, he would have come to me.
Tears pool in my throat, then leak from my eyes in silent streams. I don’t have the energy to sob; there’s not enough of me left. I just bleed out, then list onto my side, a broken shell with nothing inside.
Ishanna help me. No fae should lose their mate, but no human should, either.
I don’t know if I can stand it.
I drift. The rooms blurs, or spins, or ceases to exist, or…it doesn’t matter. I don’t care, can’t tell, can’t even feel my body anymore.
Eventually, someone finds me. Or several someones. Evelyn is there, and maybe Brynne, but the sounds coming from their mouths won’t resolve into sentences. A disjointed whirl of words and movement surrounds me, one I have no part in.
Indecent, someone says—a woman, I think.Look. Her clothes. Improper. Violated.
Barren laughter erupts from somewhere inside me, because those words mean nothing. They weigh less than air, when meanwhile, Amriel’s dying words crouch on my chest like boulders, pressing me into the floor.
Stay ‘til it’s over. Promise.
Only I didn’t stay. I failed him. I let him die in agony.
And I hate myself for it.
Someone lifts me. I consider fighting, but what does it matter? My mate is dead. Gone. Departed from this world. Someone else calls my name, over and over, but I can’t answer. My head flops as the world smears past and then someone peels my clothes off and hot water swallows me up. My hair is washed, my body scrubbed. At that, Idofight, because this is all I have left of him—his essence, still clinging to my skin—but my protests are so feeble that my attacker suppresses me with ease. She cleans me. Strips him from my body by force, and I weep.
Can’t breathe. Can’t breathe.
Can’t breathe.
I drift. Submerge into darkness for a time. When I open my eyes again, I lie in my bed, a long nightgown encasing my frame, the fabric restrictive around my ankles. Morning light spills through the window, dousing the somber furniture with a sheen of gold. Evelyn sits at my bedside, asleep in a chair, her mouth hanging open, soft snores emanating from her throat.
I stare. And stare. Until her eyelashes flutterand blinking hazel eyes peer back at me. Evelyn jerks upright, swipes the back of her hand across her mouth. “Sariah?”
I should greet her, but I can’t manage. “Is he…” My thready rasp fails me, and I have to go hunting to find it again. “Is he here? Did he come?”
She frowns. “Who?”
I swallow. “Am… Amri…” My voice splinters, gets lost somewhere deep in my chest, trapped in the maze of grief that holds my heart hostage.
Evelyn’s brows crook, pity welling in her eyes. “Ishanna’s breath. You can’t even say it, can you? No, he’s not here. You’re safe now. You don’t have to worry.”
Safe.Safe.
I burst into tears. I don’t want to be safe. I want to be wild and free, to dance with the very edge of control. I want my mate to chase me and pin me, to claim me from behind. I want him to hoist me onto the dinner table and have me for dessert. I want to wish on shooting stars with him, to coil in the darkness together. I want our breath to entwine as I explore every last inch of his soul through the bond.
But I can’t do any of that, because I’ve thrown it all away. I’ve let himdie.
I cry until I can’t anymore. Evelyn springs onto the bed and gathers me close, rocks me until my sobs run their course. When my crying subsides to soft hiccups, she takes me by the shoulders, peers into my face. “It’s all right. He can’t hurt you anymore. He?—”
“Hurt me?” I twist away, the warmth of her grip suddenly as intolerable as cold metal against bare skin. “He didn’thurtme, Evelyn. He…he saved me. Made me alive.”
She blinks, her brow pinching. “What?”
I shake my head, at a loss for words. They won’t come, or I don’t have them, or…it doesn’t matter. Nothing I can say will make her understand.
“Carina,” I rasp. “Is she back?”
“No,” Evelyn says slowly. “No, she’s missing. We’ve been looking for her all day, all night. Do you know where she went?”
I sniff. Drag my hands across my wet cheeks, though I don’t know why I bother. My weeping is far from over. “To Velindra.”
