Because where were those things downstairs just now, when I felt the pulse of life in my veins, the joy? When Calen touched his mate and I didn’t see sin, but beauty? Or in the solarium, when Amriel kissed me and I opened for him like a flower in the light?
And why, when I let myself think about it, does it feel like I barely existed before coming to this place? My memories of home are somehow rendered in grayscale, while here, color riots all around me, blooming brighter each time this man comes near. Which doesn’t mean he isn’t dangerous. He is. So is this whole place. But while I’ve nearly died here, I’ve alsolived.
The bond pulls hard, rising inside me, gathering strength. And I…reach out. Just barely, my fingers tugging apart Amriel’s shirt at the waist, slipping into the gap until the tips meet warm skin.
He exhales sharply, muscle contracting beneath my touch, the flex of his abdomen sending a hot rush up my spine. The pain inside him retreats, making room for a chaotic mix that spills into me through the bond. For the directive that beats in his blood, the series of harried commands—claim herandtake herandprotect herandpunish her. And, deeper still,don’t ever, ever let her leave again.
I gasp but don’t pull away. I see everything, even the parts he wants to hide—the curl of fear that lived in his chest all day, the way he felt like he was underwater, colors muted, everything blurry, even the sounds around him garbled as he sank deeper and deeper into dread.
Then the sweet stab of relief when I walked into the dining room,like a silver-tipped arrow rammed through his chest. How that current still flows, a hot, electric ache at the base of his stomach.
The immensity of it nearly brings me to my knees. Because he cares nothing for any rules.
Just instinct. Feeling. Need. Needingme.
Amriel must be looking at me, too, because something surfaces in his expression, a wide-eyed awe that steals my attempts at rational thought. “Shadows take me, Princess. You’re so hungry, inside. Look at you. You’restarving.”
I lick my lips, but there’s no use lying to him anymore, so I nod.
“You needy little thing.” His hand comes up to cage my throat—not exerting pressure, but staking a claim. “Tell me what you want. With words. I want to hear you say it out loud.”
I hold my breath.Ourbreath, because it’s one and the same now, a silky, synchronistic slide that only feeds this towering hunger inside me.
“I want… I want…” I weigh my next words, testing their heft before shaping them.
I want toknow. I don’t want to die without finding out what he feels like, what he can show me.
What it means to be fully alive.
I stare up from beneath pinched brows. And feel the moment inevitability locks us together, the ease of it, the echoingclick.
This time, I don’t drop my pendant, or fling it away. I slide it along its chain and let it fall down my back, out of sight. A signal for Ishanna to look away.
Because I’m going to do something I shouldn’t. Something I’ll have to repent for later.
Which I will. Another day. When I get home. When I return to order and discipline and everything that makes sense.
But for right now, I step to the edge of the abyss, let myself stare down. Let myselffall. “I want…you. I want you to be angryandgentle.”
His eyes go dark and liquid. “There it is, my sweet,” he croons. “Was that so hard?”
My fingers tangle in his shirt hem as I cling to him with both hands, now. I nod. It was. It really was.
“Don’t worry,” he says, his voice like steel and silk, anger wrapped in a promise. “I want you, too. More than anything.”
My core clenches around nothing, but I have no defense against those words. None at all. So I pull myself closer, rise onto tiptoes, and kiss him.
The moment our mouths meet, a dam breaks somewhere inside him. His grip slides from my throat to my nape, cupping me close. Emotion floods us both, and I feel it—how much he was holding back, how much he needed me to cross the distance first. How much he needed me to need him, too.
And goddess, I do. I no longer care if it makes sense. I only care that, for once, I want something that actually wants me back.
Amriel deepens the kiss. My eyes flutter shut as I savor his taste, a heady mix of wine and anger and longing. His hand ravels in my hair, his fingers twining around my wet strands, tugging my head back. A moan heats my chest as his tongue explores my mouth, tracing silky strokes against mine.
This kiss is different than our others. Not only fiercer, but deeper. More sure of itself.
Maybe because there’s no going back. I’ve stepped off the cliff, and now we’re plummeting together, neither of us sure where we’re heading, air rushing past as we streak toward the unknown.
I get lost in the feel of him, in his taste, in the way my palms press flat against his chest. I could stand here forever, kissing him, but he gathers me up like he did in the solarium, carrying me to the bed and laying me down. His hips settle between my thighs, the silk of his pants sticking to my damp skin. Our tongues twine tighter, our hands roving over each other’s bodies, my palms molding to the ridges of his abdomen as he tugs my robe apart.
