There’s only one place I need to go to help me settle my mind.
The cemetery sits silently beneath the moonlight when I pull in. The cold wind rustles through the trees while gravel crunches beneath my boots.
Justin’s grave isn’t hard to find. I stop in front of the headstone and stare down at his name for a long time.
Justin Cole Banks
Beloved Son.
Beloved Brother
Beloved Friend.
The ache that hits me nearly drops me to my knees because out of everyone… Justin deserved a life. A real one.
I slowly crouch down and run a finger over the cold stone. “Hey asshole,” I say, my voice cracking, so I try to clear it. “It’s been awhile.”
Silence answers me, and I swallow hard. “They told everyone I died with you.” The words sound insane outloud.
“I guess in a way I did.” My chest tightens painfully while memories crash through me.
Justin laughing so hard he snorted milk out of his nose at thirteen. Justin teaching me how to throw punches behind the trailer park. Justin crying after his first breakup while insisting he wasn’t crying.
My brother. My best fucking friend. My only true friend.
“You would’ve hated prison,” I whisper with a weak laugh.
“Food was dogshit,” I say as tears burn unexpectedly behind my eyes.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t save you,” I choke.
That’s the truth buried deep inside me. I replay that night constantly.
The blood.
The screaming.
Justin trapped between twisted metal while I tried to pull him free.
I failed him, and somehow, I lived anyway.
“Firefly thought I was dead too,” I whisper.
Saying it aloud hurts more than I expected.
“She cried when she saw me tonight, Jus,” I say as I stare down at the stone helplessly. “And I still fucking hurt her.”
Wind brushes through the cemetery softly as leaves whip around me. “She still loves me though. Even if I don’t deserve it,” I say under my breath, and that terrifies me more than prison ever did, because I still love her too.
Even with all the hate.
I never truly stopped.
And that alone is enough to ruin us both.
“I know what you would tell me. Fix it, asshole. Go get your girl and fix it. I know, I know. But it’s not that easy.” I sigh and take a deep breath.
“Alright, Brother. Rest easy. I’ll come see you soon. Jus. Love you man,” I say, then press my lips against the cold stone and get to my feet.
