?Fuck.
?I haven’t had a real panic attack like this in a while.
?One that I can’t simply shut down like usual.
?Mavyllora, he purrs. Do you see what you do to me? Can youfeelwhat you do to me when you are such a good girl for me.
?Godskiller.
?I turn my back to them and place my left hand on my desk as I focus on taking large, deep breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Boring my eyes into a particular grain on theold wooden desk because I can’t take the darkness when closing my eyes and it helps to focus.
?Uncontrollable, I quietly seethe to that damned bone witch.What about having a panic attack that seizes your whole body and dominates your mind and yet you’re still able to regulate and control your fucking aura and magic?
?My blood rushes faster and my breathing turns choppy because I’m getting too anxious and how is that even possible while having a panic attack. It’s just supposed to be one thing. But I can’t breathe.
?It feels like my ribs are closing in on my lungs and Iknowit’s all in my head. It’s always just in my head.
?It’s not supposed to last this long.
?It’s just a nickname.
?Her nickname.
?And you hate her.
?I can’t move. My muscles have locked up and I’m frozen in place and I still can’t fucking breathe. Even as I keep trying to pull in as much air as possible through my nose and heave it out.
?You hate them all.
?I hate myself.
?You want to ravage past the stars. You want to annihilate them all.
?I just want to lay down in the sun.
?I force my lungs to accept air and I focus on it. I need to calm down. Except I can’t because I’m being over-fucking-dramatic.
?Dust, old wood, ink, leather.
?It smells like my room.
?Crackling lightning andnotcloying earth – Asher.
?Sweet sugar and frost that pricks at your nose like the nipping cold – Jullia.
?Mavyllora, my sweet. Can you hear me? Mine, in every lifetime, I know you can take me deeper. Now be a good girl, hallow your cheeks, and suck my cock like you did so very well last night.
?Sea salt and mint – Hanna. I strain my mind to match it, each scent, focusing onthat.
?Copper-hinted rain – Ricka.
?Mine. Mine in every lifetime. My precious secret girl. So special, aren’t you, Mavyllora. Mine, who can write a fate, who can create a death blow, who can kill a god. Forever and ever and ever.
?I dig my nails in deeper – I think. Am I breathing still? What’s the next scent? Who was next?
?Crackling embers and cedar. That’s. . . th – that. . .
?Warmth.
