I let out a shaky breath. It was unnerving to know he shared a connection like that with me. Especially when I thought about the sensuality of the dream before he bit me in it. “And I noticed you’re always cold. Even when the weather is warm your touch is cool. The only time you’ve ever felt warm was when we laid together.”
“Vampires are coldblooded in a sense, but I don’t need external warmth to live. I don’tfeelcold. I will warm in the sun, and being close to you warmed me. I think my body adapted to yours.”
“Can you shadow walk?”
He took in a deep breath. “I can.”
That made my spine tingle. I’d only seen the vampire woman in the cave do it and it was unnerving at best. “Can you show me?” An idea sparked. “I could learn to fight against shadow walking if we train?—”
“Maybe someday I will show you, but not tonight. I think you have enough to take in without me doing that.”
I took his hand again and squeezed it. “You’re not considering leaving after you kill Dravyn? Or worse, going to Commander Ace or Locke... are you?”
“I haven’t decided.”
My jaw dropped. “You can’t. You have to stay with me.”
He lifted his chin, and our faces were inches apart. “Eventually I will be found out. Every day I think it could be the day, and I can’t bring you down with me. There will come a time when I will have to leave or die. And when that happens, if I’m not LOA, if I’m not accepted by my people, then what reason is there to live?”
My chest seized. “No. You’ve been here this long, and no one has found out.”
“You did. Beast did. Something will happen and my ruse will end.”
Tears welled in my eyes. “Then stay for me. Live for me. And your Aunt Murial. You have people who care for you, vampire or not. You can’t go to the Commanders to end your life. Even if they find out, run.”
His knuckles scraped against my cheek, wiping the droplet away. “I’m not going anywhere until I know you’ll be fine without me.”
I’ll never be fine without you, never,I wanted to shout. The urge to lean into him enveloped me. I wanted his lips on me, anywhere, everywhere. My heart became erratic.
He closed his eyes, pressing his forehead to mine and let out a low moan. “Aesira.” My name was a plea. “You’re doing it again.”
“What?” I whispered.
“I see your thoughts as vivid as a dream, and youwillbe fine without me.”
I flushed but he already knew I wanted him. What scared me more was that it felt like he was already leaving. Like he’d made up his mind. I wanted to change it. If we kissed, if he loved me, he would have reason to stay. What did it matter if we crossed the apprentice-trainer line when his very existence here at Drakthar wasn’t breaking a rule, it was a death sentence?
I eased in, moving a breath away where I waited for him.
Please. The tension between us simmered ready to boil over. His breaths came faster.Then he pulled back and tore his gaze from mine. “Remember when I said there would never be feelings between us other than loyalty? I meant that.”
The air tore from my lungs. The heat in my veins turned to ice. I thought seeing him drink blood was the hardest blow I could be dealt.
I was wrong.
Even if I knew he feltsomethingfor me other than loyalty, I was too proud to beg.
Too crushed to speak.
I slowly rose, focusing on putting one foot in front of the other until I climbed into my bed and pulled my blanket up. I didn’t let the pain surface. I kept the burning tears at bay. Even though I’d been gut-punched twice tonight, I couldn’t let myself be angry with him. He had warned me when I first arrived here.
I wished I could take back the last five minutes. This was why I’d never let myself kiss Kace. I didn’t want my heart to be obliterated.
If Vander lusted for me, one half of it was likely my blood he craved and the other was probably because of my ridiculous fantasies, and my fault for sending them. Everything about this night felt like a fever dream and I hoped I would wake in the morning to find none of it was real.
Chapter 24
The next morning, I hadn’t slept at all, and unfortunately the previous night wasn’t a dream. I dressed in my uniform and went through my stretching routine while Vander bathed and readied himself for the day. I hoped the gloom of the night would have dissipated with the morning sun, but it was worse.
