“I see…” she says. She’s still completely without words, which is atypical for her. She’s always full of wisdom — this is why I pay her the big bucks.
“I don’t know how to handle it,” I admit. “I don’t know how to proceed.”
She shifts in her egg chair. “What have you done so far?”
“Nothing much…” I don’t want to admit the truth, but then I remind myself,Total Transparency.I really do want to get better, and that won’t happen if I hide this from her. She can only help me if she knows everything. “I actually… I’ve been cyber stalking them obsessively.”
She swallows hard and sits up straighter. “How much time have you spent on their social media… and what do you mean…them?”
“Ava,” I tell her. “That’s his daughter. And her mom, Renee, and dad, Joel.”
She nods. “I see. Well, we’ll have to go back to our earlier work, and keep you away from digital devices. We know that’s been a problem for you in the past.” Yes, she knows all about my obsession with Anthony.
“How old is this daughter… uh… supposed daughter?”
“She’s eighteen. Her birthday is April 7th,” I tell her. I don’t list everything else I know about her, which is much more than any stranger should ever be privy to. “And before you break your brain trying to do the math, yes, Brian and I were together when she was conceived. I was in my senior year in high school, and he was in college. We’d been together for over a year.”
She blows out a long breath, as if she can’t quite add all this up. She’s been my therapist for years and I can’t even remember the last time she looked so overwhelmed.
“Have you done anything more drastic than the cyber stalking?” she asks. “How is your relationship with Brian these days?”
I wince a little when I confess. “Yes, I’ve actually gone to see her at the college where she attends classes, but I didn’t approach her.”
“I see,” Dr. Russell says. “You just wanted to see her in the flesh, to see that she was real. That’s not surprising.”
“This was back when I thought she might be his lover,” I clarify.
“I see.”
“Then I went to see her mother… she owns a consignment clothing shop. And I even bought a few items.”
She nods politely, but I know inside, she’s probably thinking, Psycho!! Well, perhaps, she’s not. She is a professional therapist after all. She must see this kind of behavior all the time.
“And then I went to see her father — he’s a hairstylist, and I actually got a nice haircut.”
Her eyes are wide, her mouth a straight line — I’ve rendered her speechless again. Following a very long beat, she finally manages to speak. “Well, I hope you’re not planning to continue this behavior, Mischa. This is very destructive. We’ve spoken about this at length, and you know better than anyone that obsession and addiction feeds on itself, like a greedy hungry animal.”
Yes, addiction is indeed a wild animal — she doesn’t need to tell me.
“Well, this is why I really wanted to see you, Dr. Russell,” I confess. “I really, really want to stop.”
“I understand,” she says softly, her voice a typical therapist’s soothing song.
“It’s weird because it’s not so much about Ava anymore, about the girl. I want to know more about her mother, I want to know how she came to birth Brian’s child. I’m obsessed with her and her husband.”
It’s so easy to say these words out loud to Dr. Russell. That’s the beauty of therapy: there’s this person who knows exactly how crazy you are, and she understands. There’s no shame in it because she’s seen worse and she’s there to help you.
“I fully understand why you’d be fixated on the mother. Of course you want to know what drew him to her, why he betrayed you. You want to know if she is to blame, or if he is. But what about her father? Where stems your fixation on him?”
My next words are not easy to utter. “Because… because it’s happened again, Dr. Russell. It’s like Anthony all over again. Obsession at first sight.”
Dr. Russell is at a loss for words. She’s certainly earning her money today.
17
“As soon as our gazes met, I was a goner,” I confess. “I’d been creeping him on Facebook, and I’d fallen for him a little, but when he became real, I fell even harder.”
“Yes, hard and fast,” Dr. Russell says. “I see.”
