As if he can read my mind, he asks, “What are we doing, Corrie? Where are we going?”
I wipe a tear from my cheek. “I haven’t changed my mind.”
I feel the dip of his chest as he inhales a long breath. “I don’t understand you, Corrie. You know this is crazy, right? This idea that you’re not good enough for me, that I’ll get bored of you and leave you. That I won’t be happy unless I have a kid. All I want is you, Corrie.”
I pull away from him. “I’ve seen you with your niece and nephew, Jacob. You love kids. It’s all you could talk about when we started trying, before we knew my body was useless.”
The sorrow in his eyes breaks me. “Your body is beautiful, Corrie. It is anything but useless.”
I pull away, back to my knees, and search for my shorts. I find them lodged in the bottom of the boat, panties still tucked in.
“You know I’d love to adopt,” he says. “Why won’t you even consider it?”
“Because… because I want to see your eyes when I stare at my baby’s face. Or your smile… some part of you.”
He can’t help but smile. “Well, I’d love to see part of you too, Corrie. But we don’t need that. Do you realize the power we have? We could change a child’s life. Instead of adding another human to this already too-populated world, we could make a difference for someone who desperately needs us.”
I slip back into my shorts and my lifejacket. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. “Let’s get back.”
He scowls as he does up his fly. He grabs the oars with more force than necessary, and leaves his lifejacket on the boat floor. I know it’s no use talking because we’ll never agree. We’ve had this argument about a thousand times.
There’s a tightness in the air between us. We’ve barely said two words to each other since we came back from the lake. It was beautiful, hot… and very complicated. That pretty much sums up our relationship.
Jacob is kind enoughto make dinner for the both of us again; veal piccata and pasta, my favorite.
I savor every bite. “Thank you, Jacob… for dinner. I really appreciate it.”
“Just trying to get a good meal into you. You’ve lost weight, haven’t you?”
“I have,” I admit. Of course he would notice. Jacob notices everything.
“So I haven’t told you,” he says. “I’m selling my bike.”
I’m thrilled by his words. “I’m so happy. You know I worry about you on that silly thing.”
He smiles. “I know. Well, it’s just not the same since the accident. It really shook me, and riding is just not the same anymore. I’m not as fearless as I used to be. I keep getting visions of the wreck, and the pain, and that horrible feeling that it might be all over.”
“It makes sense. You almost died.”
“You know what I saw just before the lights went out?”
“No… a mysterious white light?”
He laughs. “No… you. I saw you, Corrie. You were happy and healthy. You were smiling, holding a baby.”
My heart sinks. “Aw… I’m sorry, Jacob.”
“Don’t be sorry,” he says. “I think it’s what helped me pulled through… that vision of you.”
I smile. “Well, I’m glad I could help you out when you were recovering. But seriously, I was scared shitless. You know what you put me through, right?”
He smirks. “Yes, and thank you for caring for me all those months. I’ll forever be grateful.”
I smile at the memory. “I bet you were pretty sick of eating Kraft dinner, grilled cheese sandwiches and frozen meals.”
“Yeah, you really should expand your repertoire, babe.”
I laugh out loud. “In your dreams.”
