6
Iwake to the sound of the blender. Jacob is making smoothies again. I check the clock. It’s only seven-thirty. I roll my eyes and bury my face in my pillow.
He’s already getting on my nerves, although a smile traces my lips when I’m brought back to last night’s events. That wasn’t quite sex, was it? We didn’t have intercourse. We barely kissed. We just pleasured each other. Surely, that doesn’t count. That said, I’m officially on day fifty-two of not having sex with my ex husband. Well, soon-to-be ex, I should say. This process is taking forever. Jacob is always ‘too busy’ to attend the required meetings and sign anything. Truth be told, he’s made it extremely difficult. And since he’s an attorney, I can’t help but feel like he’s been putting me on this past year. I know the divorce process takes a long time, but this is crazy.
Jacob startles me when he pops his head in my doorway. “Oh, you’re awake. Good.”
I glare at him. “Of course I’m awake… with that racket you’re making out there.”
“You want a smoothie? Strawberry banana.”
I’m not quite ready to get out of my cozy bed and face the day. “Save some for me… I’m going back to sleep.”
“Okay… see you later, lazy bum.”
I drift off slowly, full of Jacob thoughts. I’m still going forward with my plan for the week. There’s no reason I can’t do all the things I’d planned, even if Jacob is around. And since I got off last night and got the horniness out of the way, I’m good. He won’t be able to seduce me.
Just as I’m about to fall into a beautiful morning nap, I’m rudely woken by a very loud rendition ofSweet Home Alabama. I like that song as much as the next gal, but not at seven in the morning.
Ugh.
I stomp out of bed, livid. “Jacob, seriously?”
The music stops abruptly. “What? You like that song.”
“Not at seven in the morning!”
He checks the oversized retro clock on the wall. “Well, actually, it’s five to eight. I think it’s time you get up.”
“Well, who are you? My mother?”
“Um… no. Speaking of your mom. How is she? I’ve missed her.”
I suck in a long breath, attempting to calm myself. Don’t even get me started about my mother. She absolutely adores Jacob, and every time I see her, she all but begs me to take him back. She doesn’t understand why we’ve broken up and I’m not about to go into all the infertility issues, which she is very well aware of. Doesn’t she understand? Doesn’t anyone understand?
I huff as I trudge back to my room. Might as well get started with the day, since there’s no way I’m getting any sleep now. On the agenda today is a nice walk on the beach, maybe a swim, and a good book. I’m watchingPretty Womantonight on DVD… haven’t seen it in ages.
I have no clue what Jacob will be up to, and I really shouldn’t care.
* * *
I grabmy smoothie from the refrigerator and take it with me on my walk. Jacob is nowhere in sight, and I’m glad because I know he’d probably tell me that I need to eat a better breakfast if he saw me run off with just a smoothie.
It’s a beautiful day. I’ve got my sunblock, sunhat, and flip-flops on. It’s quiet… just me and the puppies, and a woman in the distance, walking a dog. I walk toward the water. The lake is calm today. I flick off my flip-flops and tentatively dip my feet in the water. It’s freaking cold!
I want to take a dip, but I’m not courageous enough. I opt to simply walk down the beach and enjoy the fresh air and quiet. I don’t often take the time to be reflective. Truth be told, I’m afraid to. When I think too much, it all comes rushing forth.
How did our lives end up here? Years ago, we were madly in love, the happiest couple I knew. The trouble started just a few years ago. We’d been trying for a baby for over a year… and nothing. We finally decided to go see the doctor. Following a battery of tests, it was clear as day that I was the problem. Blocked tubes, damaged from years of endometriosis — my reproductive organs were a dog’s breakfast. Following surgery to clean me up, I had renewed hope, but our infertility issues still persisted.
I’ve seen Jacob with his sister’s kids — he’s such a great uncle, and he loves children. For as long as I’ve known him, he’s told me he wants kids. We used to joke about it all the time back then — we’d have a boy and girl, and we’d name them Bonnie and Clyde. He loves to take care of people, including me. And I know that he’d be a great dad. He has the biggest heart of anyone I know… that’s why I married him. He has so much love to give, and me… I’m just not enough.
I’m the only one holding him back. If it weren’t for me and my useless uterus, he’d already be a dad by now. I know that he’ll never leave me — even if he wanted to, he’s too sweet for that. It’s all up to me. I’ve tried pushing him away. I’ve been a real bitch if I’m honest. But still, he sticks around. I don’t get it. He says it’s because he loves me. But how can he love someone as damaged as me. My father certainly didn’t — he left us when I was ten.
I know Jacob will find someone else as soon as he’s ready, as soon as he’s over me. How could he not? He’s sweet, rich, and sexy as hell. He can hook up with someone ten years younger (and a lot less complicated) and have a house full of kids. It’s what he deserves.
But he’s never going to move on if we keep having sex, if we keep spending time together. We’d been doing well lately, and when he called me to go over our finances one last time, my hopes were up.
The waves are crashing and the seagulls are flying overhead, singing their not-so-lovely song. The woman with the dog nears, and I get a closer look at her dog, a beautiful yellow lab. For a split second I imagine Jacob and I, a dark haired little boy, and a beautiful yellow lab.
