I decideto write him back and scrounge through one of my already packed boxes of stuff for my old stationery paper. I haven’t used it in years. It’s cream colored, and edged with a pretty flower design. I finally find it in a box of books, destined for charity. Just yesterday, I thought that I’d never write a letter again. Why keep it?
My pulse is quick and I’m a little breathless as I start writing. I don’t want to tell him I love him, straight out, but I do want him to know that he could never hold me back.
Dear Blake,
Thank you so much for your beautiful letter. Although, you did make me suffer. I spent days obsessively checking my phone for your reply, but then again, you have always liked to keep me on my toes, haven’t you?
When you say I was never like the rest of you, what do you mean? You and I are more alike than you think. You’re smart, kind, and fun. You’re pretty amazing. Yes, you’re cocky as shit sometimes, but no one’s perfect. :)
You could never hold me back. Yes, as a kid, I longed for adventure, and always wanted to see big cities with their tall skyscrapers. And after the accident, I just wanted to run away. I wanted to forget. My friend, Kayla, thinks I might be running away again, going to Chicago like this, running away from Peter and the whole mess. Maybe I am.
All I really want now is a simple life and a family. A home, two or three little ones, and yes, a job I’m passionate about. I know I’m kind of greedy. I don’t think Peter was the right man for me. He didn’t want these things. I don’t know if you do either.
I’ve lived all my adventures, have already seen the world. Now, I just want to be with someone I love, who loves me back, and make little people we could love even more than each other.
Love always,
Maeve
P.S. My cat is better looking and way cooler than yours. :)
I don’t spell it out, but what I’m telling him is that I love him, that I want to be with him, for the rest of our lives. If he chooses to read between the lines and see this message, we might be something, more than friends, more than a casual fling. If not, then I wish him well, always.
For old times’ sake, I cover the letter and envelope with Snoopy stickers Maddie sent me on my last birthday. These ones don’t smell like strawberries, but I’m sure he’ll think they’re funny.
I practically dance over to the elevator and have a huge grin on my face the whole way down. The guy standing next to me probably thinks I’ve won the lottery.No, I’m in love,I want to tell him.
I slip the letter into the mail slot, giddy.
As I walk back up to Peter’s apartment, I wonder how, just a few short weeks ago, I was in love with Peter. Or so I thought. I don’t think I was ever in love with him. I was in love with the idea of love, the idea of a wedding; the dress, the flowers, my bridesmaids in matching sunny yellow dresses. I was in love with the idea of marriage and having a family of my own.
With Blake, it’s different. Yes, I still want all those things, but he’s the one I’m in love with, not just the ‘idea’ of him. I’m crazy about him, the perfect specimen that he is, but also the smart, hardworking man who shares my values, the man who smiles from ear to ear when he sees his nephew and niece, the man who makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.
I can’t let him go.
Kayla was right: I am running away. I’d probably hate Chicago. I hear it’s a great city, but it’s huge. I’m a small town girl. Big cities are exhilarating, but I can never spend too much time in them. I start to feel wired after just a few days. And this job that I’ve idolized and glorified in my mind, is probably just a regular job, just like the others. And it’s just an interview, with quite a few applicants, I imagine. The odds of getting the position are probably slim. I haven’t been realistic, lost in fantasies of a completely new future, the unknown, and the opportunity to escape from my problems, somewhere far away. If I were to get the job, I’m sure it would be exciting at first, but before long, it would become just like any other job, and I’m sure I would be lonely.
My hands shake and I feel a little nauseous as I call Rebecca Fry. I’m relieved when I get her voice mail. My pulse races. I clear my throat. “Hello Mrs. Fry. This is Maeve Gallagher. I am one of the applicants for the buyer position. I was just calling to let you know that I won’t make it to the interview after all. Another opportunity has suddenly come up, and it’s closer to home,” I lie. There is no other opportunity, but I don’t want to admit that I’ve simply changed my mind after re-evaluating my life. I don’t want her to think I’m a basket case, which I kind of am. “I thank you so much for considering me. It means a lot. Have a good day.”
I press ‘end call’ and wonder if I’ve just made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I fire up my laptop, and cancel my hotel and flights. I get a substantial refund on the hotel but the flight is non-refundable. I can get a credit to fly in the next year, but I’m not sure if I’ll have a need for it. Yes, I’ve wasted some money, and I hate seeing money going down the drain, but it’s better than the alternative: moving somewhere I really don’t want to be, away from family and friends, to start a job I might not even like.
* * *
“You’re not going to Chicago?”Kayla says, flabbergasted. “But you were so excited.”
“I’m glad she’s not going,” Corrie chimes in. “Now we won’t have to miss her.”
“Yes, it’s all about us, Corrie.” Kayla smirks.
Gabbie leans in. “Is this about Blake?”
I shake my head. “Maybe a little… but not really. I just realized that I was running away… like Kayla said.”
“Really?” Kayla cocks a brow. “I said that?”
I smile. “Figures… you say something that makes me re-evaluate my entire life, and you don’t even remember it.”
Gabbie wraps her hands around her cup. “It’s definitely over with Peter?”
