We line up for the Ferris wheel; hot air balloons lift up high in the sky where I’m sure the view is unbelievable. As we wait in the queue, Eli sneaks a few kisses. I blush — I’m not crazy about public displays of affection. I stare down shyly at my hands. My wedding ring glitters under the sun. The huge diamond is hard to miss.
I think about the kids. I know they’d love this place. I resolve to come again, with John and the kids. Maybe in a year or two, when I’ve turned the page on this, and am in a new chapter. I will no longer be in touch with Eli. I wonder what it will feel like to be here, knowing he’s not far away, and knowing I can’t go to him. I shake my head. On second thought, it sounds like a terrible idea. We best stick to Disneyland.
“What’s wrong?” Eli asks. “Are you feeling okay?”
“Oh, I’m good,” I tell him. “I was just worrying again. I’m a big worrier.”
He smiles down at me, and I forget all my worries. “These rides are old but they’re safe. I promise.”
We finally get to settle our rears, and he wraps an arm around my shoulder. He feels so warm, and it feels so intimate, just the two of us in this balloon. He presses his hot mouth on mine, and he makes me want him again. I wish our last kiss could taste bitter, so I wouldn’t miss him so much. Because I know I will, every single day. How long will it take for him to fade? Will he ever fade?
Just enjoy the moment,I remind myself.
The view of the park is amazing up here. I close my eyes and lock this moment in a little corner of my mind. I’ll remember this forever.
Following our adventure up high in the sky, we stay low on the ground. We walk leisurely through the game kiosks. My eyes are greedy — I love all the retro inspired treats and prizes, and all the colors and vintage signing. When I get excited over the giant chocolate bars, Eli makes it his personal mission to win me one. I keep telling him that my hips don’t need it, but he won’t let it go. Finally, after about thirty Euros (which is about thirty-seven American dollars) down the drain, he finally wins me one. I’m ecstatic when I get to pick it out. Although, we didn’t think this through, because now I have to walk around the place with a giant chocolate bar in my arms.
“What are you waiting for?” he asks. “Let’s dig into that thing.”
I laugh. “Sorry, buddy. It’s for my kids.”
A slow smile traces his lips. “You’re a good mom.”
There’s something else in his eyes. Regret? Sadness?
“What is it?” I ask.
He shifts his gaze. “I... it’s nothing,” he stammers. “It’s just that when I think about them, I feel guilty. The two of us…”
“Please don’t,” I tell him. “This is all me. This is all me and John. You’re not doing anything wrong, Eli. If anyone’s not going to heaven, it’s me,” I joke.
He smiles. “Oh, you’re definitely going to heaven.”
I laugh. “You think?!”
“Positive.”
We fall into silence, and melt into the hubbub of the crowd. I feel conspicuous holding the giant chocolate bar. Children eye me with greedy eyes, and their mothers eye Eli with the same expression.
After the longest time, he breaks the silence. “I really didn’t want to do this,” he admits. “It’s why I fought it at first.”
“It was asking a lot from you.”
“Sex is easy enough to find,” he says. “I just need to get out of the studio, buy a woman a drink… there are so many attractive women in Copenhagen.”
I smirk up at him. “Uh-huh, you don’t say.” Yes, I’m pretty sure they’re all much hotter, and younger than me.
He grins at me. “Let me finish,” he pleads. “So I tell myself that I don’t want to be part of this mess, I don’t want to be part of your drama. I tell myself that it will end badly, and I’ll get hurt, but it’s hard to believe that you could ever hurt me. I tell myself that I can just pick up a pretty young thing at a bar nearby, and probably fuck her any which way I want. But the thing is…”
I’m riveted. Although we’re surrounded by people, a rainbow of colors and a chorus of sounds, there’s only the two of us here.
“The thing is… I couldn’t stop thinking about you,” he goes on. “Ever since the first day I chatted with you, you’ve been the only one for me. I didn’t want any of those nameless flawless faces. I wanted you. I knew I’d always regret it if I didn’t grab the chance to touch you, to smell you and have you right here in my arms, even if it’s only for a week. That was worth all the risk in the world.”
Chapter Thirty-Four
MY MOUTH IS HANGING. I’m sure I’m the sexiest thing in the world right now; holding a chocolate Daim bar, ponytail, worn jeans and sneakers. I wish I knew what to say. I wish I could promise him that I won’t hurt him.
“Anyway,” he continues. “I’m having the best time of my life with you, and I’m glad I said yes.”
