I nod. “Yes.”
“And you give me full access to all your online communication,” he goes on, and the business-like formal tone of his voice breaks my heart a little.
“Yes, just like you,” I remind him. “We’ll have a completely open and honest marriage. No more secrets.”
“One week,” he says again.
If I go ahead with this, I’ll feel vindicated, and I’ll probably be able to get past this. Our beautiful family will come out of all this, unscathed.
I nod again. “One week.”
* * *
It’s the longest week of my life.
I want to reach out to Eli, but I can’t. I’ve promised John that I’d wait a week before making any rash decisions. He thinks I’m going to settle down and change my mind, but I know I won’t.
I want to do this. I’m just not sure I have the guts to do it. Every day, my resolve weakens, and I doubt myself more and more. What if Eli isn’t interested? What if he’s already moved on? What if he thinks I’m crazy?
John is not helping either. He’s been on his best behavior these past few days, spending a lot of time with the kids, and helping around the house, cooking the occasional dinner, and whipping up lunch in the afternoon. But it’s all a little too late.
He asks me a lot of questions about Eli, and I answer them. After all, he’s answered all mine.When did you two meet? What does this guy do for a living? Is this guy for real?
“This guy could be a fucking psycho, for all you know,” he points out over lunch one afternoon. “He could be a complete fake,” he says. “How do you know you’re really talking to a real person?”
Another day, on the way to pick up the kids from a birthday party... “This man has probably been with loads of women, and you’ll probably end up with an STD,” he scoffs. “If you’re crazy enough to sleep with a total stranger, the least you could do is make sure you use protection.”
“Of course I would,” I tell him. “Did you with your little whore?”
He rolls his eyes. “Of course, Gabbie.”
Well, at least there’s that.
And the worst comment of all, the one that cuts the most, is in bed at night. He’s sleeping in the guest room, and he comes and perches on the edge of our bed, to give me yet another speech about how ridiculous I’m acting. “The man is obviously a player, and gets off on turning on bored housewives.”
I throw a pillow at him. “Get out!”
* * *
Maeve and Kayla are flipping through a wedding magazine. I envy the both of them. What I wouldn’t give to be the person I was when I was their age; madly in love with my husband, the mother of a new baby girl, my attention solely focused on my family and my job, busy as hell but happy and fulfilled.
And now… I feel so empty and so desperate, clinging at straws. Of course what I’m doing is crazy. I know it. And I understand it. I am so deeply hurt that I’m willing to try anything to escape my pain. My escape is Eli — he’s the only thing I’m holding on to. He’s my life raft. I’m desperately trying to hold on for the sake of the kids, but betrayal feels almost impossible to survive. Maybe if Eli helps me, I can come out of this alive.
My family has always been my first priority, and that hasn’t changed.
“What’s going on?” Kayla asks. “You seem really down, Gabs.”
Leave it to Kayla to notice. I’ve been putting on a brave face, and pretending to be normal, but I’ve never been a good actress. Kayla is the most intuitive of all my friends, and she can easily see through the façade.
She cradles a cup of tea. “I know something’s up.” She’s not letting this go.
I stare at her hands. I can’t bring myself to look her in the eye because I know I’ll break apart. She wears a collection of bohemian silver rings and her short nails are painted a pretty shade of nude pink. Her tea cup is pink and covered with polka-dots.
“What is it, Gabs?!”
I finally venture a look up. They’re both watching me intently.
“I…” I start, but I can’t speak. I’m all choked up. “I… John and I—”
