“I should go,” I say. “It’s late, and I should let you get back to sleep.”
“Yes,” he says. “Sweet dreams, Gabriella.”
“Sweet dreams.”
Damn.
I turn off the lights and lie in bed. It’s still early, and I’m not ready to sleep yet, but I want to be alone with my thoughts. I try to think about the situation logically, objectively. I try not to think about Eli — it’s impossible to think straight when I’m picturing his beautiful face. I was obviously vulnerable. I was angry with John. It was a revenge chat. It was wrong. What I’m doing is wrong. I’m cheating on John. I’ve been telling myself it’s all innocent; sharing laughs, and chatting about art and music. But who am I kidding? It’s so much more than that. I know it, and he knows it.
Just the thought of saying goodbye to him rips me apart, but I need to end this.
For John, for my kids.
I have no other choice.
* * *
Dear Eli,
First, I just want to tell you how much you mean to me. And that’s the problem… you mean more to me than you should. I keep telling myself that we’re just friends, but I think we both know we’re more than that. I’m not exactly sure what I am to you, but you are everything to me. I think about you all the time, every hour of every day. It’s a little ridiculous, to be honest. I am a happily married mother of two, and I should start acting like it.
I’ve really enjoyed our conversations about art and life, but it’s time for me to end this. For a bachelor like you, this is just a fun distraction I’m sure. But for me, it’s so much more, and it really shouldn’t be. What I’m doing with you is not right. I love my husband and my children, so it’s because of them that I need to say goodbye.
I’ll always remember you. : ) And I’ll smile every time I do.
Your friend,
Gabriella
I’m sobbing like a child by the time I finish the message. This is so much harder than I’d anticipated. It’s crazy — I’m crying over a man I just met a few weeks ago, a man I’ve never even seen in the flesh.
I spend over an hour, poring over the message, making sure it’s just perfect, and when I finally hit ‘Send’, I feel sick, but a weight instantly lifts off my shoulders. I needed to do this. My life has felt so heavy lately, so confusing. I want my old life back; my boring, predictable, ordinary life.
I spend the next three hours frantically checking my Inbox. Finally, after what seems like an eternity, he responds.
Chapter Fourteen
Dear Gabriella,
Your words hurt, but I understand them. I always knew you were married with kids, yet I was inexplicably drawn to you. I know I shouldn’t have engaged, but I did. I realize that I have been out of line. I haven’t been fair with you. I do respect your marriage, Gabriella, and because of this, I won’t put up a fight for our friendship. I won’t hound you, or try to charm you. I will let you go. I’ll miss you like crazy, but I’ll do it for you. I’m not perfect, but I’m no homewrecker.
Another thing I really want you to know is that you mean as much to me as I do to you. I wake up in the morning thinking about you, I anticipate your messages eagerly, and my spirits lift as soon as I see your name on my phone. You were NOT just a distraction for me.
I will always remember you fondly, Gabriella.
Eli
P.S. Always keep smiling that beautiful smile of yours, and never stop painting.
* * *
It hurts so much. I never imagined it could hurt that much. He was just someone I met on the Internet, someone I only knew briefly, yet, it feels like heartbreak, like the end of a long relationship. I know it’s ridiculous, yet I can’t help the emptiness I feel.
A little part of me is missing; the part that would eagerly anticipate his messages, smile at his jokes, dream about him at night. But I know I did the right thing. For my family. Sometimes, I smile at the absurdity of it all.
I shuffle through my days; Emma’s ballet classes, Theo’s piano lessons, errands, laundry, dinner, and school functions. I escape in the pages of books. I try to forget, but I never do. He still pops up in my head at the oddest times.
I haven’t been painting. Every time I sit in front of a canvas, my mind goes blank. I’m working on three different paintings, but can’t bring myself to finish a single one of them.
