I throw my face into my hands.
Why did I just do that?!
I know I’m just asking for heartbreak, hoping for the impossible, and begging for disappointment.
* * *
There are a lot of books about children and divorce, I quickly discover as I peruse the Amazon listing. There are two different guides about discussing divorce with your kids. I add them both to my cart. There’s also an activity book which looks fun, and a story book with a dinosaur — I add those too. There are two sweet picture books, one is entitledTwo Homes, and the other,When my Parents Forgot How to be Friends.They make my heart hurt a little, but I buy them both.
When I finally check out, I’m happy to discover that I qualify for free shipping. I suppose that’s what happens when you bulk buy. My life is a complete disaster, butYay, I get free shipping!
I glance at my phone, for the thousandth time. I wish I were exaggerating, but I don’t think I am. It’s been six days and fourteen hours since I sent Eli the email, and still, I haven’t received a response.
I’ve been on edge all week, checking my phone every five minutes. I’ve literally gone crazy. I’ve wanted to cry but I haven’t. It’s what I asked for. I wanted closure. I asked him to block me on all accounts, and erase me from his life.
I’m sure I’m blocked on Gmail, and he never even received my message. That’s what I tell myself anyway.
As if sending an ill-advised message and painstakingly awaiting a reply weren’t bad enough, I torture myself further and creep his Instagram. I want to know if he’s still alive. Maybe he’s had a horrible scooter accident, or perhaps he’s suffered an injury at work, and that’s why he hasn’t replied.
I am crazy.
I’d promised myself that I wouldn’t look at his Instagram or Facebook, or even his website. But promises were made to be broken.
My heart pounds as I tap the first letters of his name in the search box. It doesn’t take long to realize that he’s not there. I can’t find him. My stomach drops when I realize that he’s nowhere to be seen. My heart breaks when I realize that he’s blocked me.
It’s really over.
How can it be over? After all we’ve shared?
I’d been holding up well, but this is when I officially break down and fall into sobs. Elsie wakes from her slumber, and eyes me with concern. She walks tentatively toward me, and licks my face.
“I’m a complete idiot,” I tell her.
Did I just make the biggest mistake of my life?
It hits me then. My family is broken, I’m getting a divorce. I am alone and completely heart broken. Did I ever mean anything to Eli? Did I imagine it all? Was I just a foolish horny woman?
“It’s all those stupid Disney movies,” I tell Elsie. “Cinderella, Snow White… what a bunch of crock. And Little fucking Mermaid is the worst one of them all,” I scoff. “Seriously?! A mermaid who falls for a human prince?! And she gives up her voice to be human and be with him! What an idiot!”
* * *
I’m crying again. But this time, it’s in public. The people next to us avert their eyes politely. Maeve rubs my shoulder, and Corrie hands me a cup of tea. “I’ve made it just like you like it,” she says. “A splash of milk and two sugars.”
“Thank you.”
I’m surrounded by my friends — at least there’s that. I’ve just told Maeve and Corrie about the divorce. They’re both still slack jawed.
“What happened?” Corrie asks. “Is this about that hot guy in Copenhagen?”
I’m devastated, but I can’t help but smile a little — she’s so nosy.
“Not really,” I tell her. I take a sip of my tea but it’s still too hot. “It’s about us growing apart, falling out of love. It’s about his affair, it’s about mine…”
“Well, technically, you didn’t have an affair,” Corrie points out. “He gave you permission.”
“True,” I say. “But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m in love with Eli, and I don’t know if I’ll ever shake it.”
Maeve is wide eyed. “Can you and Eli be together?” she asks. She’s such a hopeless romantic. “Does he feel the same way about you?”
