“Most people who dream don’t stop to think if they deserve it. You deserve a dream just as much as the next person. Probably more.”
He brushed his thumb along my chin, blue eyes sharp, the ice in them cracking.
Then with a deep inhale dropped me.
“I’m sorry we couldn’t do the fantasy,” I said.
Calder’s mouth slipped open, his brow furrowed. He looked offended. “You think that’s all I want?”
“I think that’s all we agreed to want,” I said, focusing again on his fingernail. “This isn’t what you signed up for. You wanted one night. Not some mess.”
“Shay—”
“But I’m starting to really like you,” I confessed before he could speak, gaze flickering to his. “I don’t know if I can do casual anymore.”
He pushed my hair behind my ear, cupping my scalp. He gently tugged my gaze upward, meeting his.
Something in his eyes let me know he was going to say no.
“I mean, unless you don’t want to. That, I get. I probably shouldn’t be in a relationship anyway, shouldn’t subject you?—”
He kissed me, cutting me off. “That’s not it.”
“But you don’t want a relationship?”
My chest constricted at the look in his eyes. There was something unsaid in them, something that burrowed into my chest, taking root in my soul.
“I can’t,” he said.
“Is it because you’re moving? We can do long distance?—”
“It’s not the distance.”
“Is it my illness?” My voice lowered. “Or my ex? You don’t want me because I’m a mess.”
He grabbed my face, pulling my eyes to him. “Iwantyour mess.” His voice lowered at the wordwant.
“Thenwhat?” The words left me on an exasperated sigh.
He was silent. Emotion I couldn’t translate written across his tight jaw and strangled eyes.
After what felt like an eternity, he said, “I don’t think we should see each other again.”
My heart plummeted through the cracked ice in his eyes, deep into freezing water. Even then I couldn’t move, couldn’t take my face out of his hands. I gripped his wrists, clinging.
“But…we haven’t finished the list yet.”
“I never should have gotten involved in your life.” I tried to pull away, but he gripped me tighter, pulling me close. “But I need you to know something.”
A moment passed, something with teeth lingering between us in the silence.
“This isn’t casual to me, Shay,” he said. “It never was.”
chapter
forty-four
SHAY
