Zoe glanced from one to the other. She could see Alex realise his mistake, and even before Zoe had heard it from Virginia’s lips, she knew he’d confided everything to her. Her fertility issues, her early menopause, her insecurities…he’d told Virginia the lot. What she wanted to know was why. Why would he do that? Didn’t he understand what a betrayal that was? She hadn’t even told her own mother yet. She hadn’t told her best friends. She’d shared it with Alex and Billie because they’d be directly affected, but that hadn’t given him the right to gossip aboutit with anyone he fancied. Even worse was the reason why he might have done such a thing. She could imagine him trying to excuse Zoe’s behaviour to Virginia, like she was the problem. Or perhaps he’d shared it with her because he’d felt some pull to his ex, because he’d been drawing closer to her again, like they’d been in the old days.
Zoe didn’t know which would be worse. What she did know was that she was boiling right now, and it had nothing to do with the temperature of the kitchen.
‘Zoe…’ Alex began, but she flicked up a hand to stop him.
‘If you’ll excuse me…’ she said to Virginia with as much diplomacy as she could manage, ‘I need to go to the bathroom…’
Alex didn’t go after her as she rushed up the stairs, and she didn’t know what to make of it. If he’d chased her, she would only have told him to go away because she didn’t want to have this argument in front of Virginia, but the fact that he hadn’t left her feeling strangely hollow. She supposed he’d decided that smoothing things over for their guest so that she didn’t feel awkward was more important than smoothing things over with Zoe.
All was quiet on the top floor of the house. Billie might have been taking a break from entertaining – she found company draining, especially those she didn’t know well, and she often needed time alone to recalibrate. Zoe had suspected it was part of the reason she’d chosen that moment to put Louisa – who had otherwise seemed bright enough – down for the night.
Zoe locked the bathroom door and sat on the toilet seat, staring at the wall. Should she have told Alex not to tell anyone about her diagnosis? It would be easy to shift the blame from him back to herself, and it would keep the peace, but she couldn’t help but feel he ought to have known without being told. Who else had he told? Because that mattered too. If it was a regular topic of conversation with anyone who’d listen, she’dput it down to a criminal lack of awareness, but if he’d only told Virginia, it was worse. It meant he was too close to her for Zoe’s liking.
Where did all this leave her? If she didn’t go back downstairs, she’d seem awkward and moody, and she’d be the reason the dinner that had been meant to thank Virginia had turned sour. Did Zoe even care about that? Did she care, at this exact moment, how it might make Alex look? Or her for that matter? Did she care if it made Virginia feel uncomfortable? If she stayed up here for long enough, perhaps she’d go back downstairs to find Virginia gone.
But then she recalled how much wine they’d all had and that they’d offered to put Virginia up for the night, and realised that if she chose to make a big deal of this, they might all be forced to suffer the consequences for the next twenty-four hours. If Zoe didn’t care about anyone else right now, she cared that Billie would be caught in the crossfire. But that didn’t mean she wasn’t going to have it out with Alex as soon as Virginia was gone. So she took a deep breath, tried to reset her emotions and opened the bathroom door.
Virginia was outside.
Zoe stepped back, her mouth opening to say something but unsure what it should be.
‘Sorry to startle you,’ she said with a glibness that Zoe was later to realise hid something more tumultuous going on inside. ‘I get the feeling I upset you. Alex didn’t want me to come up, but I’ve assured him that, as we’re grown women, we can work it out between us without resorting to catfighting.’
‘I’m not upset.’
‘Your face at the table told me something different. Alex did share some of his worries with me, and those included you.’
‘He had no right to.’
‘I agree, but at the time, I assumed you were OK with him discussing it with other people. That was my mistake – I should have realised you wouldn’t have given any such permission because I know I wouldn’t have done either. But it’s done. I won’t discuss it with another living soul from now on.’
‘If Alex has asked you to come and talk to me, don’t waste your breath. I have no quarrel with you?—’
‘Really?’
‘No,’ Zoe said firmly. ‘I don’t. You might still have feelings for Alex; seeing him again might have uncovered some you thought had been buried long ago, but if there’s been any…I don’t know what there’s been, and I don’t know that I want to, but if there’s been anything, it was his job to stop it. I hold him responsible. If he knows anything about me at all by now, he won’t be surprised to hear that when I tell him.’ She glanced down the hallway towards Billie’s room, suddenly aware of how loud their voices might have been, and she lowered her volume. ‘That’s all I have to say. I don’t need to listen to you fight his corner, and I don’t need you to apologise because I don’t blame you.’
‘I’m not fighting his corner; I’m trying to help a woman because I understand how hard life can beasa woman. Especially one who can’t have children…’
Zoe stopped, mid reply, and stared at her. ‘I thought you didn’t have any because you didn’t want to?’
‘Partly. But even if I’d wanted to, I can’t. I had a hysterectomy when I was thirty. So, you see, it’s better to carry on convincing myself that it was the best thing that could have happened to me rather than admit that it took away any choice I had. Perhaps, one day, I might have changed my mind. It might have saved my marriage to be able to decide to have a family after all. I don’t believe I would have been a good mother, but the opportunity to find out was taken from me.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Zoe said, shame bubbling up in the form of red blotches on her chest and neck. Heat was building, and she couldn’t decide if the wine, her hormones, the mortification or her anger at Alex was to blame. ‘I’m sorry that happened to you.’
‘I would imagine that’s why Alex felt he could confide in me about your problems because he knew that to some extent I’d be able to sympathise. At the very least, I’d have some understanding.’
‘Do you…do you feel you missed out?’
‘Not for a moment. I accepted that this was my reality a long time ago, and I don’t allow the space for such thoughts. What’s the use in lamenting a life I can never have? That said, even though I can understand and sympathise with your plight, we’re not the same. You have the maternal instinct – that much is obvious – in a way that I have never had.’ She stepped away from the bathroom door. ‘I’ve ordered a taxi to take me to a hotel for tonight.’
‘But—’
‘I think it’s for the best. You and Alex need to talk. And I can’t imagine we’re all going to be laughing and joking again in a few minutes. Thank you for dinner – it was really very nice. Thank Billie for me too. I appreciate the effort you all went to.’
Zoe had gone through school, college, university and midwife training, and she’d been shouted at more times than she could count during those years by women far wiser and older than her. But never had she been reduced to a tearful wreck in quite the same way that one brief, quiet conversation with Virginia was about to do.
Alex’s ex and saviour walked away, and as soon as Zoe heard her reach the bottom of the stairs, she locked herself in the bathroom again and sobbed.
