He let out a sigh. ‘Youdohave a problem with her. I never thought you’d be like that.’
‘Like what? Human? Afraid sometimes? Vulnerable sometimes because even I’m not made of stone?’
‘Jealous.’
‘Is it any wonder I’m jealous? She’s gorgeous, successful, smart, has a history with you and clearly never stopped having a hold over you.’
‘Why would you say that?’
‘Because I saw the way you looked at her when you were talking to her. I saw how you were giving that brave-little-soldier routine when you were meant to be ill, laughing and being charming and pretending you were fine, when I’d seen you that morning and you looked as if the Grim Reaper was coming for you.’
‘Of course I was going to be charming – I’m relying on her, and she’s doing me a massive favour.’
‘That’s another thing that makes me nervous. Why is she giving you all this time for free?’
‘Because I’m an old friend.’
‘You said yourself you haven’t spoken since you split up, but she’s all of a sudden happy to do this for you. It makes me think she has an agenda, even if you don’t.’
‘Of course I don’t! What’s got into you?’
‘Nothing’s got into me! I’m only saying, look at it from my point of view! If it was the other way round, you’d be asking the same questions.’
‘Maybe,’ he said quietly. ‘But I’d like to think I’d trust you more than you trust me.’
‘I do trust you!’ She stopped short of adding that it was Virginia she didn’t trust because even Zoe, in her current state, knew how crazy that made her sound.
‘I suppose I ought to be flattered you feel this way, and some men would be, but that’s not me. It makes me sad because I thought we were better than this. When I asked you to move in, did you think that meant nothing? Do you actually think I’d do that if I didn’t intend to commit to you? Do you think I’d bring you into Billie’s life just to mess everything up for all of us?’
‘No,’ Zoe replied, suddenly swallowed by a guilt-riddled misery that no sun on the horizon could banish. ‘I’m sorry. You’re right. I don’t know what’s got into me.’
‘But if there was something on your mind, you’d tell me, wouldn’t you? Something worrying you?’
He was giving her the perfect moment, and though she wanted to tell him, the words wouldn’t come out. She didn’t yet believe it herself, and she wasn’t ready to send them out into the universe where they could become real and her future would be decided and there would be nothing she could do to take them back.
‘I suppose it is the dizzy spells I’ve been having. I’ve seen Simon and he’s going to run some tests.’
Alex halted on the path. ‘Simon suspects it’s something serious?’
‘No, but I wouldn’t expect him to do anything else. I’m sure it’s blood pressure or something. It’s fine, but I suppose it’s on my mind.’
‘It’s been on my mind too, but when you didn’t say anything else and you didn’t have another…at least not at home, I thought it was all sorted.’
‘I don’t want you to worry.’
‘How do you expect me not to?’
‘Focus on other things for now. Like your camping field. It looks as if the incident with your fiftieth-birthday party has blown over, and you’ve got new guests arriving, so focus on getting back on your feet and ploughing ahead again. You’ve put too much into this business to get sidetracked.’
‘You and Billie are far more important than the business.’
‘But we also know how much it means to you.’
‘Promise you’ll keep me updated. Whatever tests you’re having and whoever you go to see, I?—’
‘I will,’ Zoe said, even then hating herself for not sharing the whole truth. But it didn’t matter how much she hated what she was doing, she couldn’t stop it. And now that she’d started, it already felt like a lie she couldn’t undo. ‘I’m sorry I was so mean about Virginia – I know she was only trying to help, and you were doing what you could to save the business.’
He reached for her hand once more, and it was warm and solid wrapped around hers, but even in that small gesture of familiarity, she felt a new divide that hadn’t been there before. Had she said too much, gone too far, planted a seed that would grow and erupt when she least expected it?
