‘Corrine showed me how to make it. It’s puff pastry.’
‘That’s tricky,’ Zoe said.
‘It wasn’t too bad.’ Billie settled Louisa into her swing chair before taking her own seat at the table. ‘Corrine held Louisa while I had a go. I think she wanted an excuse to have a cuddle.’
‘I’ll bet,’ Zoe said. ‘Have you thought more about asking them to be godparents?’
Billie shrugged. ‘I don’t know whether I’ll bother with all that christening stuff. It’s a bit old-fashioned.’
‘It’s an excuse to show her off and reconnect with family you don’t see much.’
‘That’s the thing…’ Billie’s expression darkened, and instantly Zoe realised her mistake. ‘It’s not like there’s much in the way of family. Not that we’re close to anyway. And all of Luis’s family are in Spain – they might struggle to come. I’m not going to expect them to pay all that money for flights and stuff to go to some random church service for an hour.’
‘They might like the opportunity to refuse the offer,’ Alex said as he poured some peas into a pan. ‘And it needn’t cost much because we could put them up here.’
Billie shrugged. ‘I don’t know…we’ll see. Oh…’ She jumped out of her seat again and went into the living room, returning a few seconds later with a gift bag, which she handed to Alex. ‘I got you this.’
Alex smiled as he opened the bag. ‘My favourite! What’s this for?’
‘Just to say well done, you know. To celebrate the camping field opening.’
‘Aww…’ Alex placed a light kiss on her forehead. ‘Thanks!’
‘Don’t get all soppy about it,’ Billie said as she sat down again. ‘It’s only a bottle of wine.’
‘I’ll try not to.’
Zoe watched as they continued to chat. After a minute or so, Billie took over the cooking and Alex went to coo over Louisa. Then Grizzle slipped by Billie to return to the kitchen, and Alex had to lead him by his collar back to the living room and shut the door again because he was determined to lick Louisa’s face. All was warm, affectionate chaos, the sort of scene being played out in kitchens up and down the country, and though Alex and Billie constantly told Zoe how much she belonged in their family now, sometimes she didn’t feel that way. At times like this, she felt like the outsider she was. They’d tell her otherwise, and deep down she knew the divide was often of her own making, but that didn’t stop the uncertainty. Being here, especially now, felt like being here on borrowed time. The more she thought about the outcome of sharing with Alex the possibility that they might never have their own children, the less she wanted to. Maybe she didn’t have to. If she could get her symptoms under control, perhaps they could bumble along as they were now, and the question would never arise. He loved her, didn’t he? And she loved him.
She loved him like she’d never loved anyone, and that was why she knew how wrong it was to keep this from him. He deserved to know, and he deserved to choose the life that would give him, or to reject it, if he felt it wasn’t what he wanted. It was because she loved him like she’d never loved anyone that she was also terrified to tell him what their future held if they stayed together. She wanted to believe that his talk of more children was simply idle speculation, affectionate musings on what their time as a couple might bring, and that he’d be happy if fatherhood only eventually gave him Billie. He adored Billie,after all, and if anyone asked him, he would always say she was enough. So why was Zoe so scared that it might not be true?
She decided to push her worries to the back of her mind. They were irrational, after all. Weren’t they?
Louisa began to grumble, and Alex scooped her out of her seat and walked her around the kitchen, trying to make her laugh as Billie plated up their food. And when she did finally let out an infectious giggle, his reaction was almost enough to break Zoe’s heart.
He grinned as he lifted Louisa into the air.
‘Dad! You’ll drop her!’
‘I never dropped you,’ he said, pulling a silly face at Louisa.
‘I don’t care – don’t do that with her.’
‘She loves it!’
It was true that Louisa’s giggling had intensified. To Zoe, the sound of a happy baby was one of the most beautiful things in the world.
Billie slapped down a serving spoon and went to retrieve her daughter. ‘Finish putting the tea out while I get her back in her seat.’
‘Spoilsport!’
‘You did say you were starving. You’re not going to get much to eat if you’re messing around with Louisa, are you?’
Alex went to take over from Billie, smiling at Zoe. She offered one in return, though it was as hard-won as most of the ones she’d given him that evening. ‘I can’t wait until she can sit at the table with us and eat pie.’
‘That’s ages away,’ Billie said. ‘She can’t even eat mashed banana yet.’
‘It won’t be long,’ Alex said. ‘I remember thinking that when you were a baby, and the next thing I know, you’re twenty-three. It goes in the blink of an eye.’
