This time Zoe managed a genuine smile. ‘That’s good. Seems as if she’s getting to grips with motherhood if she’s finding time to make pies and scones and whatnot. Where is she, by the way?’
‘Victor took her down to the village for something.’
‘Ah…’ Zoe recalled their conversation about Billie wanting to treat her dad, and she knew the shop was probably open…at least, if Geoff and Magnus were in the mood to stay open, and they weren’t always. However, she guessed Billie must have checked or she wouldn’t have gone. ‘Should I do anything to go with her pie? Like peel some veg or something?’
‘I’m sure she’s got it all in hand. Take the weight off your feet and relax…I’m sure you must be knackered.’
‘Is this…? Never mind.’ She was about to ask the question but quickly realised there was no need. Thiswassomething to do with her recent episodes, and though she felt she ought to be grateful for the care Alex and Billie wanted to show to her, something about it still riled her. She didn’t want to be treated like china or to be viewed as someone who needed that. It onlyreinforced the idea that she was somehow broken – and she was doing a fine job of reinforcing that all by herself.
‘I won’t be long.’ Alex stepped out, keeping the door open for her with a foot until she’d gone in.
A minute later, she was alone in the kitchen, the house unusually silent and all the more unnerving for it. She’d got used to hearing Alex knocking about, or Billie cleaning or cooking, or Louisa cooing or crying, or Grizzle barking, racing around with claws clattering on the bare floors. She wondered if Billie had taken Grizzle with her because he was nowhere to be found either.
Despite the peace being welcome, Zoe wondered whether it was good for her. As she poured a glass of water, she reflected that it gave her too much space to dwell on things that weren’t good to overthink.
During the gaps in her busy afternoon, she’d bullied herself into a positive mindset: that it wasn’t cut and dried that her childbearing days were behind her, that there were choices she could make to future-proof (as Simon put it) her fertility options, and that perhaps Alex wouldn’t care in the end as much as she feared. It wasn’t as if he had no children, after all, and he even had Louisa now, so there was a baby in the house already. She’d been thrown by the news and she’d spiralled, but that wasn’t like her; she could, andwould,be stronger than that. But standing in the empty kitchen now, sipping at her water, it felt too much like an omen – and not a good one – like a snapshot of a future that could be. What if Alexdidcare? What if her options didn’t work out? What then?
She shook the thoughts, desperate to get back on the relatively even keel she’d fought all afternoon to find, and decided to use her time alone to do something productive. So she got out her phone and began to research.
Billie was first home, bidding a quick hello and letting Grizzle loose to make a fuss of Zoe before dashing to change Louisa’s nappy.
‘You want me to do anything to go with your pie?’ Zoe called after her as she rubbed Grizzle’s head.
‘No, it’s all done! Have some downtime!’
Zoe sat down again, feeling oddly redundant and very definitely like she was being covertly mollycoddled. She could hear Louisa squealing and laughing as Billie cleaned her up. She’d started to laugh a lot over the past couple of weeks, and Zoe took it as another good sign for Billie’s mental health. In her experience, babies often picked up on the mood of their mother, and so if Louisa was happy, perhaps it meant Billie was becoming a lot more relaxed around her. But the sound also pulled at Zoe’s emotions for a far more selfish reason. Perhaps it was because the prospect that she might never have her own had never been so real as it was now, even after her miscarriage, but suddenly, she desperately wanted what she might never have in a way that had never been so acute before. It was so real, so visceral, it was like a dagger in her gut, like she was being hollowed out. The longing was like nothing she’d ever experienced, and though it made no rational sense, it was there all the same.
Alex breezed in half an hour later. Billie hadn’t yet come back down with Louisa, and Grizzle had found an old bone that had proved to be far more interesting than Zoe, and so she was still on her own in the kitchen.
‘They’re great guys,’ he said, tossing his coat onto a chair.
‘Did you have a beer or two with them?’ Zoe asked.
He grinned. ‘How did you know?’
‘A hunch…and I can smell it on you.’
‘Guilty. It was only two – to be sociable. They were keen on the barbecue idea. I warned them about the firepit arriving tooand that I’d be installing it, but they said they were planning to be out and about a lot anyway so probably wouldn’t be around. All in all, I’d say today’s been a success.’
‘That’s good. You seem a lot happier than you were this morning. When I say happier, I mean relaxed.’
‘Sorry about that.’
‘No need to be sorry. Hopefully next time you won’t be quite so jumpy?’
‘You’d think, but we don’t have a next time yet, do we? I need to get onto that social-media stuff…and I’ve got someone Zooming me about advertising tomorrow. I was hoping the listings alone would bring in enough bookings without spending money on other things, but I suppose it’s early days. Hopefully when we get a few five-star reviews on the page that will help.’
‘I would imagine so. I know in the past I’ve always been reluctant to book somewhere with no reviews at all. I never really thought about them being too new to have any reviews.’
‘It’s all different at the other side of the fence, isn’t it? Is Billie back yet?’
‘Yes, she’s upstairs with Louisa. She went to change her nappy, but that was about forty minutes ago. I suppose she might have decided to give her a bath or a feed while she was up there.’
‘Ah, right. I’m starving.’
‘I’ll put the oven on to?—’
Alex leaped up. ‘I’ll do it. Stay where you are; you’ve been working all day.’
