‘Sometimes…’ Billie wore that expression again, one that Zoe knew well. It was full of doubt and questions, and it was one she wore more than any other. Zoe had often wondered whether she’d always been like that, or whether the tragedies of losing her mother and then her boyfriend in quick succession had made her that way. ‘Sometimes I’m not sure I know if I’m being myself or not, even when I’m at home.’
‘I suppose we all feel that way from time to time. Blimey, it’s a bit early in the day for this sort of chat, isn’t it? I need a few drinks for a conversation like this.’
Billie gave a small smile. ‘I know. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make it weird.’
‘You didn’t. I like that we can talk this way…I like that you feel you can talk to me about this sort of thing. I know I’m not…well, I’m not anything really, but I’d like to think you feel you can come to me with anything.’
‘I do. Honestly, I don’t hide anything from you. Not now, I mean. I did, but…well, you know about that. I’m glad you called me out, though, in the end. If you hadn’t, I don’t know where I’d be right now. I know it wouldn’t have been good for Louisa.’
‘That’s when having a serious work side does come in useful at home.’ Zoe smiled. ‘I’m glad you’re starting to feel better. Postnatal depression is a horrible thing to go through; I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.’
‘It probably didn’t help that I was already depressed before I had Louisa.’
‘That has nothing to do with it. Anyone can get it – there was nothing you could have done differently.’
‘That’s good because sometimes I worry I caused it. You know, because I was so down on the idea of being pregnant.’
‘Nope, even the most excited new mum can get it. I’ve seen all sorts in my time.’
‘I betyoudon’t when it’s your turn.’
Zoe threw her a sideways glance. ‘What makes you say that?’
Billie shrugged. ‘Just a feeling.’ She paused to check on Louisa, who was now sleeping with her head against Billie’s chest. ‘You know the other day when you passed out?’
‘It wasn’t exactly passing out, but?—’
‘But you did, though. I saw it – you fainted.’
‘I had a dizzy spell.’
‘See…’ Billie pursed her lips now. ‘You’re always telling me I shouldn’t apologise for being ill and I don’t have to see myself as weak and all that, but when it’s you, it’s different. You’re alwaystrying to hide it and making out like you’re fine. Why can’t you admit that you fainted? It’s not like you’re the first person to ever do it, and it’s not like Dad or me are going to freak out about it.’
‘Your dad did a bit.’
‘Only because he was worried. I was worried too; we’re allowed to be. What I was going to say is, are you all right now? Did you ask Emilia about it?’
‘No,’ Zoe said, ‘but I asked Simon.’
‘What did he say?’
‘There’s nothing to say. I told him what had happened, and he didn’t know what it was.’
Billie’s lips drew in. ‘That’s it? You’re doing it again!’
‘Sorry…I’m used to being tough, I suppose. At least, having to be.’
‘You haven’t told Dad what’s really going on, have you?’
‘Of course I have.’
‘Hmm…’
Billie’s single exclamation sounded sceptical, and Zoe hated that she felt the need to lie about her consultation with Simon. But until she had something more solid than blood tests and conjecture to go on, she wasn’t ready to share any of it. She supposed she ought to, that it would probably make things worse for her in the end if she didn’t, but she couldn’t bring herself to say the words because to do that would be like inviting the universe to make them true.
‘Well, he never said anything to me about you talking to Simon. So I don’t think that’s true, is it?’
Zoe let out a sigh. ‘I don’t want to worry him, not when he’s got so much else going on and not when it might be over nothing. I’m sure it’s nothing. Simon has sent some bloods for testing, and when they come back, I’ll know more. Then I’ll talk to your dad if I have to.’
