“I watched the video Jeremy mentioned, and then I read a couple articles about you, and I got so sad.” My voice went embarrassingly high as I spoke, and I wiped my eyes with the sleeve of my hoodie—his hoodie, actually, because mine were too small to be comfortable over my bump. “I didn’t know you had to go through all that.”
Barry’s face warmed like I said something sweet and kind instead of needing comforting for things that had happenedto him.He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled me up to his side, gathering me in the best, most comforting hug I’d maybe ever had. I kept crying, for no reason other than he was so lovely and generous, even now, even after I almost kept a baby from him forever.
“I got snot on your shirt and your hoodie,” I whispered after I got my act together enough to calm down. Barry’s chest rumbled with a laugh.
“It’s okay. Despite being in the garage beyond a dangerous, icy walkway, you do have a washer and dryer.”
I poked his stomach at the jab, and he laughed again, pulling me closer and propping his chin on my head.
“That article about you was really sad,” I said.
His exhaled a sigh and rubbed circles on my back.
“Wasn’t a puff piece,” he agreed. “I wanted to be transparent about it. Lots of guys struggle and don’t know they should get help. I didn’t even know Icouldget help.”
“But you feel…better? Now?”
“I do. I still see a therapist every week. Kim. She’s helped a lot.”
I try to picture Barry in a therapist’s office, or meeting with one online, his shoulders hunched while he video calls this Kim. I bet she’s wonderful, too.
“I think you’re brave,” I said, echoing my brother’s sentiment. “I’m sorry it was so hard.”
“Me too,” he said simply.
“Why don’t you ever talk about it with me?”
Barry shrugged, and the quiet went on so long that I pulled back to peer up at him. He met my eyes for a long moment. He chewed on the inside of his cheek, his jaw flexing as he did.
“I knew it would come up eventually. I figured you’d google me and that would be the first thing you found, and if for some reason you didn’t find it, I didn’t want to give you any reasons to think I wouldn’t be a good partner in this.”
I reeled backward, astounded to hear my own fears echoed from his perfect mouth. I blinked too many times trying to process this admission, then breathed out a slight, humorless laugh.
“You don’t believe that about yourself, do you?” I said, so quietly.
“I don’t,” he said, then looked away from me. “No, I mean, of course I do sometimes. I’ve learned a lot, and therapy really did change my life, but on occasion, I find myself…getting bad again. Then I get more therapy, and it does get better. It’s a cycle, and I’m always improving even if I feel like I’m taking a step backward, but it’s not something that will ever go away fully.”
There was something warm and tangible in the air between us, a vulnerability that made me shiver. I put one of my hands on top of his and squeezed.
“Kim tells me that I’ll be a great dad because I’ll work as hard on being a parent as I do on everything else in my life, and when it gets bad, I’ll do what I need to do to get better,” Barry said.
“And what do you think?”
“She’s right. I will.” He nodded, a glimpse of the self-assurance I knew from him. It was a relief but also made me see him in a new light; Barry wasn’t just born confident and assured like I believed. His confidence wasn’t this God-given gift I was certain couldn’t be taught. Barry was sure of himself because he knew he could do hard things, overcome tough obstacles, win, learn, grow—because he’d done it all before. He was strong because he knew he could be. And because he had to be.
“For what it’s worth, I know you’ll be a great dad. I’ve never doubted your ability to be a great parent, I think you might be made for it.” He was such a natural caretaker, vigilant and attentive to the needs of others, and acting without being asked. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that he’d be a good father to our baby. “But you can tell me. If it gets bad again, I mean. You’re not on trial with me.”
Barry’s face went softer still, and he pulled me back into his embrace, my cheek pressing against his warm chest. I closed my eyes and accepted that it was okay to hug this man who was determined to be a good dad to a baby he never asked for.
“Thanks, Harvey.”
CHAPTER 19
PREGNANCY CRAVINGS
I had a deep growing concern about how much I wanted Barry Wright. And I mean constantly. Between the flirting, the attentiveness to my needs, the scent of his cologne, his big hands on my back as he walked past me in the kitchen—it was all getting a little bit much.
And the sudden return of my libido was both startling and distressing.
