I threw my arms around her one more time, wishing more than anything that I never had to let go.
Being a parent meant there would be times when your own needs took a backseat. So while I desperately wanted to cherish these lucid moments with my own mother, I needed to go be a mom to the very angry, very hurt fourteen-year-old boy who needed answers only I could give him.
It took all the strength I possessed to walk out of that room after whispering one more “I love you” and promising to come back to visit as soon as I was able.
The time had come to own up to my sins.
Austin refused to look at me, let alone speak to me, after we left the facility. The minute we made it home, he made a mad dash for his room, the sharp slam of his door relaying that he wanted to be left alone.
And for a while, we respected his wishes.
But eventually, Maisie wandered up and was permitted entry. I’d never been more grateful that those two had connected immediately, forming a bond closer than most true siblingsshared. Because even if he was intent on freezing me out, I knew he had someone he could lean on when life got hard.
Levi tried to comfort me by making tea and using his magic fingers to work out the knots along my neck and shoulders. Despite his best efforts, nothing he did made me feel better. How could it, when the boy I loved with my whole heart hated me? Just like I always knew he would if he ever learned the truth.
After allowing Austin an hour with Maisie, I padded up the stairs. It was fine if he didn’t want to talk; all I needed was for him to listen.
The door to his bedroom was cracked open, and I peeked inside. Austin lay on his side on the bed with Maisie curled around him. They were both so still that, for a minute, I thought they’d fallen asleep, but Austin’s sniffles betrayed that at least he was still awake. Then Maisie’s head lifted, her eyes meeting mine.
“I’ll be right back,” she whispered to Austin.
He didn’t move a muscle, didn’t respond.
Maisie slid off the mattress, stepping toward where I stood.
“How is he?” I asked.
Her lips pulled down at the edges. “He’s hurt and struggling to understand why everyone’s been lying to him his entire life.”
“Do you mind if we have a minute alone?”
“Sure.” Maisie nodded.
“Your dad went out to get ice cream, but he’ll be back soon.”
“Cool.” She walked past me and down the stairs.
Crossing the threshold, I could feel the pain radiating off Austin in waves as I eased onto the mattress.
When I placed a hand on his leg, he flinched away from my touch, turning onto his other side so that he was facing the wall.
A stuffy inhale sounded before he said, “I’m sorry you got stuck raising me when you never wanted to be my mom.”
If you listened closely enough, you could hear the million shattered pieces of my heart scattering across the floor.
“Austin, honey, that’s not true.”
He sat up suddenly, fire flashing in his blue eyes. “The hell it’s not! You didn’t even try, Arizona. You just gave me away like I meant nothing to you.”
My eyes slammed shut, but tears still managed to make it past the tightly sealed lids.
“You know that I don’t drink, but do you know why?”
When my lashes lifted, I saw him staring back at me with his head cocked to the side.
Gaze dropping to the bedspread, I confessed, “I’m an addict, Austin.”
“Like—like an alcoholic?”
