“Yes, you do. Get your ass out of bed.” Erin reached down and smacked my leg over the covers. She gave me one more firm look and left my bedroom.
I lifted my arm to smell myself and cringed. She was right; I needed a shower. I threw back my covers, heaving my tired body out of bed. Five days after the competition, and I still ached. Although, it had more to do with the onslaught of emotions than the physical demands of skating.
Padding into the bathroom, I winced at my reflection. My hair was a bird's nest, the roots greasy, my face pale with bags under my eyes. I looked horrible. Just like how I felt. I turned the water on to warm, shedding my clothes before I stepped under the spray.
I stood there and squeezed my eyes shut as flashes of Mateo’s face appeared, the hurt and desperation on it. My knees buckled at the image, at the look I put there. I ducked my head under the water, willing it to wash them from my head.
I spent a long time in the shower, washing my hair and body multiple times until I finally felt clean. Steam billowed around me when I stepped out and wrapped a towel around myself. This time, I ignored my reflection as I made my way back to my room to get dressed.
I left my phone on my nightstand where it was turned off. I already went down the rabbit hole of looking at all the posts about me not doing well in the competition. The only saving grace was no one knew about Mateo and me.
By the time I made my way to the kitchen, I was clad in a new pair of sweats and the sweatshirt I stole from Mateo. I buried my nose in it for five minutes, the ache in my chest growing by the second. But Erin was right, I did feel better.
“I made you some toast with Nutella and coffee.” Erin held up the plate and mug.
“Thank you,” I murmured, taking them from her, heading for the couch, and curling my feet under me.
Erin sat beside me, giving me space until I took a few bites of toast. She hadn’t asked about the last five days, not yet, but I could tell she wanted answers.
“You’ve barely slept, and you won’t look at your phone.” Erin’s voice softened. “Whatever happened, Em… Can you just tell me?”
“I…” I wasn’t even sure where to start.
“Did something happen before you went on the ice?”
“Yes? No? I was fine until the final four skaters and then everything just shifted. I always get nervous, but this was something else. It was like I couldn’t get out of my own head. And then Keira,” I said.
At the mention of Keira, Erin sat up, eyes narrowed. “What did that bitch do?”
“The usual. She tried to get into my head…and she did.” I shook my head as I stared at the toast in my lap.
“What did she say?”
“She asked if Mateo was watching. Said she hoped I wouldn’t disappoint him when I didn’t do well.” Erin hissed under her breath. “And then she said I only do well until it counts. I knew better than to listen, but I did, and it got in my head. After that, the rest of the competition was shot.”
“Em, you know she only did that because you’re her biggest competition. She knows you can out skate her every single time.”
“I know that I do. I just…” All the feelings of not being good enough, of failing, came forward. They threatened to drown me. “What if I do make it back to the Olympics and fail?”
The words tumbled from my mouth. “What if everyone believes I should have retired and the last year spent training was all for nothing? I’ll be that washed up athlete that tried tomake it one last time and falls on her ass in front of millions.” My voice cracked.
“Oh, Emmie.” Erin scooted closer, throwing her arm over my shoulders to pull me into her side.
Tears pricked my eyes, but I held them back. “I don’t want to disappoint anyone.”
“Who would you disappoint?”
“You, Marcy, my dad, Mateo,” I listed off.
Erin leaned forward, turning her head to look right at me. “You could never disappoint me, Emmie. Ever. I’m not friends with you because you’re an amazing skater. I’m friends with you because you’re you.” Her brown eyes turned glossy with tears. “You’re the girl who helped me off the ice when I fell on my ass. The girl who never once made fun of me for writing stories. Hell, if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have this career. I wouldn’t be in an amazing relationship.”
I lost the battle of holding back my tears. A sob broke free as I leaned into Erin. She didn’t hesitate to wrap her arms tight around me, pulling me in like she wasn’t going to let me fall apart on my own.
We clung to each other, both of us crying, the kind that came from deep in your chest and didn’t stop no matter how hard you tried.
“I messed everything up,” I choked into her shoulder.
Erin pulled back enough to look at me, hands gripping my arms. “Hey, no. You didn’t mess anything up.” Her voice was soft, gentle. “And Mateo?”
