I should have taken the elevator, but some part of me relished the burn in my thighs, something else to focus on rather than the overwhelming failure I was drowning in. I let out a huff as I reached my floor. Shoving the steel door open, I stepped into the hallway, slowly making my way to my apartment.
The sight of a figure leaning against my apartment door made me pause. A figure I knew like the back of my hand. The same figure who’s been messaging and calling me nonstop since I got off the ice hours earlier—and who I’ve ignored.
As if sensing I was there, Mateo’s head jerked up. “Emmie.”
Normally, I wouldn’t hesitate to launch myself at him. I’d wrap my arms around his middle, breathe in his familiar scent, and probably cry into his chest while he told me everything would be okay.
Instead, I stood there, hands at my sides, unmoving.
Disappointment.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, my voice flat and emotionless.
“You haven’t been answering my messages or calls. I came by to make sure you were okay.” Mateo pushed off the door and took a step toward me, a mix of concern and confusion written on his face.
“I’m fine.” I made my feet move, stepping around him toget to my apartment. I ignored his eyes as I unlocked the door and walked inside. He quickly followed in after me as if he could tell I was seconds from closing the door on him. I really didn’t want him here.
I sat my bag on the floor and headed for the couch. I wanted to curl up on it and not think, not feel for just a moment.
“Em.” I saw Mateo move toward me, hand stretched out. I quickly sidestepped it, turning around and putting space between us. He quickly retracted his arm, and while it tore at my heart, I stayed where I was.
I noticed the worry lines near his eyes. The slight bags under them like he didn’t sleep last night. Was he concerned about me? Again the worddisappointmentflared in my head. I disappointed him and kept him from sleeping. Guilt gnawed at my chest.
“Talk to me. What’s the matter?”
I let out a harsh laugh. “What’s the matter?”
All the emotion I had bottled up was suddenly coming to the surface. It’d been simmering near the edge since I got off the ice. Mateo’s words were the match that lit the fuse inside me.
“What’s the matter is, I completely blew that competition. A competition I should have easily won, but instead, I made mistakes. Mistakes that will make it ten times harder now at worlds, where my chances at the Olympics are getting slimmer and slimmer!”
My voice was raised, but I didn’t try to lower it. Not when all this emotion was bursting free and making me feel something other than guilt and shame.
“I let you become a distraction when I should’ve been focused.”
I saw Mateo flinch at my words.
“A distraction?” Mateo’s voice was hoarse, like he was the one yelling.
“Yes! A distraction. I was perfectly fine before you came into my life, and now here I am, having to crawl my way back to get a shot at the thing I spent the last year working toward.”
My words were harsh and cruel, but they flew from my lips.
“What the hell was I thinking?” My hands tugged at my hair.
Mateo let out a short, disbelieving breath, running a hand over his face.
“So, that’s what I am to you?” His voice was quiet, but it hit harder than if he yelled. “A mistake?”
I didn’t answer. It felt like the walls were closing in. I should take the words back. Tell him I didn’t mean a single thing I said, but I just stood there.
Everything I worked so hard for was slipping through my fingers. I knew it was only one competition, one moment that didn’t define my future, but it felt like it did. The failure gnawed at me, spreading until it drowned everything else out.
Mateo let out a sharp breath, hands dragging through his hair, his face pinched.
“Emmie,” he said, a little louder now. “Are you serious right now?”
My chest tightened, like it knew what I was doing was wrong and that I should fix this before something worse happened. But still, the wrong words came out.
