I shot him a look. “Say that with less surprise.”
“I’m proud of you, idiot.”
That landed badly. Not because it was bad. Because I wanted Declan to say it and hated myself for needing that while he was probably standing in the wreckage of his marriage.
I looked down at my hands. They were moving again, fingers picking at the edge of my tape. I made them stop. They started again.
Roman leaned forward, forearms on his knees. “Listen to me. I’m not here to solve your shit. I can’t. I also can’t tell you this isn’t messy, because it is.”
“Helpful.”
“But I know you.” His voice stayed even. “When you get scared, you either bolt or try to fix everything in one impulsive sprint. Don’t do either today.”
My chest felt crowded. “I’m trying.”
“I know.”
“No, I mean I’m actually trying. I woke up and didn’t text him. I ate. I got here early. I checked my bag twice. I’m sitting here while my head is doing the fucking carnival ride thing and I’m still putting gear on.”
Roman nodded once. “I see it.”
I had to look away.
That was the thing. Not everyone did. A lot of people only saw the times I failed after trying and decided the trying hadn’t happened.
Roman picked up his stick again. “Practice first. Phone stays in your bag.”
“I know.”
“If there’s a message, it’ll still exist after.”
“I know.”
“And if there isn’t, staring won’t create one.”
“I hate when you’re logical.”
“You love it. Gives you something to resist.”
I huffed a laugh, barely.
Across the room Benny yelled, “Holloway, are you crying because Roman finally admitted he’s your dad?”
“Shut up,” I called back automatically.
Roman didn’t miss a beat. “Eat vegetables and make better life choices, son.”
Milo lost it laughing. Benny threw a sock at him.
Normal noise rushed back in around us. It helped and didn’t.
Practice was brutal because my body wanted the ice and my brain wanted my phone.
The first ten minutes, I was sharp from pure panic. Too sharp. Every pass came off my stick like I was trying to put a hole through someone’s blade. I over-skated one drill, circled too lowon a regroup, then got annoyed at myself for being annoyed, which was a stupid loop that nearly made me miss the next whistle.
Declan was on the ice.
Coach Reid was on the ice.
