Her eyes came back to mine. “Are you relieved?”
The answer lodged behind my ribs.
Her shoulders lowered, barely. “Please don’t lie about that too.”
I pressed my palms hard into my thighs under the table. “Yes.”
She closed her eyes.
“But I’m sorry too,” I said quickly, because the words started crowding, trying to stampede out before I lost them. “And ashamed. And I hate that relief is part of it, because you didn’t deserve to be something I needed to end. You were good to Harper. You remembered my dad’s birthday. You showed up to games even when I know you had your own things going on, and I let myself act like that was just normal. It wasn’t. It mattered. You mattered. I just wasn’t with you the way I should’ve been.”
“Stop.”
I stopped so hard my teeth clicked together.
Vanessa touched beneath one eye with the tip of her finger, careful not to smear anything. “I don’t need a closing statement on my better qualities.”
“Okay.”
“I need you to not make this humiliating.”
“I won’t.”
“That means no vague public mess where I look stupid for months while people make guesses in comment sections.”
“I won’t do that.”
“We’ll say schedules were hard and we still care about each other. It’s boring. Boring dies faster.”
I nodded.
“And tell Roman before Rachel texts me asking if she should come over with wine and a shovel.”
Despite everything, a breath left me that was almost a laugh. Not quite. “Yeah. I’ll tell him.”
Vanessa picked up her bag.
I stood because my body reacted before my brain decided whether that was smart.
“Ness.”
She paused beside the table.
“I really am sorry.”
“I believe you.” Her eyes were wet now, but her voice held. “I just wish believing you made any difference.”
Then she walked out.
I stood there too long.
Long enough for the server to come back and ask if everything was all right in a voice that knew it wasn’t. I paid for two untouched waters, tipped too much because my hand was shaking, and got outside before the restaurant air could choke me.
Cold hit my face.
By the time I got into my car, everything arrived at once.
Not in sequence. Never in sequence when I needed my brain to be useful.
