“It’s getting pretty late and we have an early flight tomorrow. We better head back to the hotel,” I say.
“It’s not that late,” Otto says. “Besides, Hayes said he would tell me the story about the time he forgot to wear pants to a final exam. I definitely want to hear about that. Why didn’t you tell me your Hayes is so funny?”
Hayes looks at me and frowns. Does he want to stay here with Otto?
“He’s notmy…” I’m about to correct Otto but let him think what he wants.
Otto leans back in his chair and looks at Hayes and then at me. “It’s always most fascinating how people communicate without words. Your bodies tell the real story of each of you.” Then Otto makes his move. He puts one hand on my chest and I can feel my heart race at the memory of our physical connection. But then he takes his other hand and puts it on the side of Hayes’ neck where his hair grazes his ear. One ofmyfavorite parts. I expect Hayes to recoil but he doesn’t. Instead, he actually moves his head closer to Otto’s hand. I scan his face, looking for any indication of what he’s feeling. There’s confusion in his eyes, but also curiosity. Otto is flirting with both of us, but Hayes is looking at me. Maybe he thinks I want this. Maybe I do. Didn’t I just the other day?
“Our hotel is not that far,” Hayes says. Is he inviting Otto back or trying to get out of the situation? Either way Otto thinks he’s getting what he wants and I feel his hand move gently over my chest.
What would be so wrong with a three-way? I’ve had sex with both of them and enjoyed it. Maybe doing it would be incredibly hot. The fact that Hayes isn’t rejecting Otto now makes me curious. I take a second to imagine if it would turn me on to see Hayes letting go like that. Yes, I’d like to see Hayes is a wild state of uninhibited sexual freedom. But then I can see Otto’s mouth on Hayes’ body. The two of them entwined. I can feel the jealousy rising in my throat with bitter bile.
“Or my studio is not far from here,” Otto says. “It’s very private. I think the two of you should come back with me for one last schnapps.”
Hayes grins that slow easy smile that usually makes my pulse quicken, but right now it makes my stomach drop. Before he can answer the words tumble out of me. “Early flight tomorrow,” I say with forced brightness and stand up. “Super early.”
I finish my beer in two long sips a before slamming the glass mug on the table a bit too hard. I pull out my phone and start swiping and punching in information to get a car here as quickly as possible. We could walk, it’s not far, but that would be thirty minutes alone with Hayes where we might have to talk and I want to avoid that. At least having a driver will make it harder to have any kind of intimate conversation.
“Otto, it was great to see you. Thank you for everything. You were a fantastic guide. But I’m afraid we are off to Italy tomorrow so this will have to beauf wiedersehen.”
I look at Hayes to see his reaction to my pulling the plug and realize he hasn’t taken his eyes off me.
“Thanks, Otto, but I want to get packed before we take off,” Hayes says, standing up, creating a unified front.
We both kiss Otto on the cheek and I watch like a prison guard to see any reaction from Hayes when his lips meet Otto’s face. There’s a playfulness, but not much more. I walk through the crowd of tables, past Frau Now Brown Cow and her crew preparing to start their show, past the gate to the lake which looked so magical a short while ago and now just looks mysterious.
I see the car waiting and I open the door. We head back and we both stare out the window watching Berlin blur past us in a streak of lights. I focus on my fingernails and chewing off the rough edges to distract me from my feelings. We aren’t fighting. There isn’t an explosion or anything wrong right now. Some kind of shift has happened and I don’t know what it is.
We get up to our room with minimal conversation. We confirm our flights, finish packing and get ready for another hotel, another city where we have to look like the perfect couple on socials but can’t communicate behind the camera.
“Good night,” Hayes says from the couch on the other side of the suite after I turn out the light.
“Good night,” I say and pull up my sheet and try to connect to the feeling of the cool cotton on my skin and not the fact that I am alone in a bed more than big enough for both of us.
Hayes was the one leaning into Otto, laughing at his stories, opening up and sharing his thoughts, becoming the guy I’ve been begging him to be. I was the one who was silent and withholding. Yes, I wanted Hayes to reveal this side of himself that I knew was always there. I’d seen it before in glimpses and sparks this summer. When Hayes comes out of his shell, I can usually feel it throughout my body. But not in Berlin. This was different. What pieces don’t fit?
I’m staring at the blue shadows on the ceiling created from the gaps in the curtains and it hits me. It’s not just that I want Hayes to open up more and let his guard down. It’s not just that I want to be the person who helps him do it; I want to be the person he does it for.
Chapter 30
Spring Break, Chicago, Illinois
Hayes
One year ago
“Hello, Mr. Brady, welcome back, and Mr. Hayes Carter, I assume. Welcome to the Mont Rouge.” The elegantly uniformed doorman spun open the revolving door and smiled as we entered the five-star hotel right off Magnificent Mile. Brady was in charge of the accommodations here. I looked down at my sloppy clothes from a day of driving and tried to pull my jacket tighter to cover them.
A grey-haired woman in a black gown sat at a grand piano in the center of the lobby was playing soft classical music. As we made our way across the polished marble floors, I kept looking back to see if I’d tracked in mud from when I had to refill the antifreeze on the side of the highway. When we got to the check-in desk, a woman typed something into the computer and when she read our names she let out a sharp “Oh,” but then tried to cover her reaction. “Please excuse me. I am sure Mr. Rensen will want to make sure everything meets your approval.”
“That isn’t necessary,” Brady said, but she was gone before he could stop her and a man appeared with the same smile I saw most of the employees wearing.
“Hello, Mr. Gibson. I am delighted to be helping you and your friend today. You have a room on the penthouse floor, of course.”
“That’s really not necessary,” Brady said with a weak smile. “I booked a standard room.”
“Well, of course, but we thought the penthouse would be more comfortable.” I knew Brady’s parents stayed here often for work and they were on some board so I guessed the hotel wanted to please their loyal guests. Still, I felt my shoulders rise to my ears in embarrassment over being “waited on.”
