“Let’s go outside, get some fresh air,” I changed the subject and tugged him up by the hoodie.
He came reluctantly onto the patio. The pool was busy, people getting in and out, some fully dressed. Someone cooked burgers on a grill, and the music was less deafening outside.
Cal disappeared into the shadows that lined the pool. I finished my mediocre beer and set the bottle down.
So, this was it. The quintessential American college experience. I guessed I could see the appeal, for others, that was. Not for me. For me, the days of childhood rites of passage were long gone, and they had been since I was thirteen and my father had decided that between me and my twin, I was the one who would take over the reins of the company. The day we’d stood at a fresh gravestone, and I said goodbye to childish things. Since that moment, my life had been one of purpose, honed by rules and lessons and punishments that were making me into the man I was today.
My father’s replacement.
A commotion at the side of the pool caught my eye. People had climbed up onto the pool house. Always a great idea when copious amounts of alcohol were being consumed.
Then I saw her. The girl from the library.
She staggered up there and came to the edge. People were daring each other to jump in the pool. The drop wasn’t technically that dangerous, but when alcohol was involved, everything became dangerous.
She wavered on the edge. Others chickened out of jumping.
She’s going to jump.
The drunk girl peered over the drop, staring down at the blue water. She seemed spellbound by it. I found myself unable toturn away. It was a tension born of a childhood spent watching someone they loved drink too much, snort too much, pop too many pills, and self-destruct until there was nothing left. Gone by eighteen.
Something about the girl tugged on those old wounds. Ones that I’d long ago tried to forget.
She lifted her head. My eyes met hers across the distance between us, and in that moment, she could have beenher.
I knew that look in her hazy eyes. I’d seen it too often, until one bad day, and then I’d never seen it again.
Then the girl in the too-big hoodie with the haunted eyes turned away from the lip of the pool house and the yawning blue between us, tipped her head back, and flung her arms out to the sides.
Was no one going to stop her?
She simply walked backward, and fell.
Selena
When I was a little girl,I’d learned early on that to get attention in my household, you had to be dressed pretty and make the adults laugh, and most importantly, you had to shine brighter than everyone else.
Then my younger sister, Cici, came along, and it was harder than ever to get my parents’ eyes on me. But I didn’t resent her. I couldn’t. She needed me, and I needed her. One of the only people in the world who saw me for who I was, in all my messy ugliness, and loved me anyway.
My parents certainly hadn’t held that status. Maybe Winter did; yes, she probably did, but I’d never want to test the theory.
The party went sideways, like everything seemed to go nowadays. It had started well, drinking with Winter and talking. But she’d been drinking too slowly, and when her boyfriend, Asher, showed up, I was able to drift away where I could drink more without judgment. The party was loud and crowded, triggering all the broken parts of me and making me anxious and reckless.
I ignored Winter’s messages as my phone vibrated in my pocket, prompting me to leave it somewhere with my bag, and then everything grew too blurry to make out. I stayed upright, but only just.
Even though I was drunk, I couldn’t stop my eyes from taking things in. People kissing and grinding on the dance floor. Huge jocks crowding the space and pushing everyone together with their sheer size. Rough hands grabbing female flesh, wherever I looked. I saw it. It stopped the alcohol from drowning out the memories.
I needed more.
Next, I was standing on the rooftop over the pool, staring at the water. It was so clear and blue.
So clean.
I wished I could be that clean. Suddenly, the thought of jumping into that water felt like a baptism for the soul.
I wanted it.
I needed it.
