I hadn’t been cutting lately. It was a coping mechanism I’d started when I’d first moved to California and laid low, driving myself crazy. It had all been fresh then. Fresh and unbearable. The cutting helped me feel in control, and the pain grounded me. Forced me into the present and away from my spiraling thoughts.
I’d nearly been proud of how long it had been since I’d cut, and now, here I was. Right back where I’d started.
I took a deep breath. I could feel stinging under my arm.Had Brody seen?
I pushed his arm carefully off me. I didn’t want to wake him. I didn’t want to see his face. Slowly, I sat up, trying not to cause the bed to dip.
I turned and stared down at him. I’d slept beside him. I’d slept beside a man. It was revolutionary. I’d begun to think I’d never be able to again, and yet, I had. And it was this man, this tight-assed, controlling bully. I didn’t know what to think about that.
I inched away, being as quiet as possible. I didn’t even dare to breathe until I was in the bathroom with both doors locked.
I took a deep, steadying breath and looked around. All the mess from last night had been tidied up. The water glass I’d broken and used to cut had been replaced. Brody was nothing if not meticulous.
I went to the mirror and studied myself. My hair was braided in a long, thick rope, held back from my face. Had he done this? As unlikely as it was, I could imagine him tying my hair back with those long, thick fingers. Strand by strand, precise and controlled. I was still in a bloodstained T-shirt. He hadn’t tried to change it, then.
With trepidation, I brought my arm up to check the underside.
A strip of white gauze was taped neatly over the cuts. The silvery lines of previous ones caught the light. He’d have to have seen them all. Every single one. I dropped my arm, then rotated it so my forearm faced the mirror.
The brand. Had he missed it? Or was I destined not to have a single secret from this man? No dignity left whatsoever.
I couldn’t stay here and talk to him today. I just couldn’t. I had to get out of here. Luckily, I had a whole day of work at the library.Hiding out among the quiet books felt like the only place I could stand to be today.
My breath felt tight, rushing in and out, sending me vaguely faint. I went to my room and shoved on the only clothes I had left that felt safe to me. The underlayer was getting old now and needed to be washed, but even the thought of smelling bad in public didn’t convince me to change. I needed my disguise more than anything today.
I got dressed quickly and left my room. I needed to leave before Brody woke up. Downstairs, the house was quiet and peaceful. I had no idea when my mom would be back, but it wouldn’t have made me feel better if she were here anyway.
I pulled a bottle of water from the fridge, turned around, and jumped.
Cal had come in while I was in the fridge. He sat at the island opposite me. He watched me from under his hood.
“What?” I asked quickly, self-conscious as hell.
He just shrugged. “You good?”
No.
“Fine, I guess,” I answered instead.
“Where’re you going?” he continued.
“I have a shift at work.”
He nodded. “You want me to call in sick for you?” He tilted his head to the side.
I scoffed slightly. Cal was such an odd guy. I couldn’t get a read on him… He was just as big as his brother, just as strong, adefenseman on the team, for God’s sake, but I wasn’t scared of him.
“I think I could call in sick for myself,” I told him.
He just shrugged. “Yeah, but sometimes it’s easier if someone does it for you. I’ll just say I’m your brother.” He gave me a rare, lopsided grin, and stole my breath in that moment. When Cal decided he wanted to be nice to someone, he was a force to be reckoned with.
“My brother,” I repeated. For a girl who had always felt ignored by her parents, it was weird to feel like there might suddenly be someone who looked out for me. Someone who called me family.
I guess that should go for Brody, too, but I immediately knew it wasn’t the same. Brody didn’t feel like a brother to me. Not by a long shot.
“Thanks for the offer, but I’d actually like to get out for the day.”
Cal nodded. “Makes sense, but… you can’t avoid him forever.”
