“I assure you that I have entirely adult sensibilities.”
“I know.” Rowan huffed a laugh, but Milo hadn’t intended to be funny. Humans laughed at so many things not intended to be funny. Milo would need to investigate that.
NOTE FOR LATER: Investigate spontaneous laughter.
“I just meant… doing the things we used to do feels like taking advantage of you now,” Rowan continued, “even if you think you want it. At least until you know more about yourself, and I know more about you. This you. Does that make sense?”
Milo tilted his head, considering what had happened so far tonight. “You did not seem to feel this way earlier when you took me into your mouth, and then when I—”
“I know,” Rowan said again, cutting him off with another cringe. “I did feel this way then too, you just convinced me to ignore it.”
Milo grasped Rowan’s hand still lifting his chin and pressed the palm flat to his cheek. “Might I convince you again?”
Rowan’s eyes were still dilated and darkened further as their gazes locked. He was as aroused as Milo was, yet he answered, “Not tonight.”
A new sensation made Milo feel like he was… falling? It was and was not the same as how it had felt on the sofa with his sensors reduced, like all his parts had spilled out of him. His insides felt suddenly weighed down. Where the earlier sensation had been light and enjoyable, this one... hurt.
It hurt. Not the same as the pain on his back earlier, but it hurt… inside.
How could two entirely different situations both feel like pain?
CONDUCT SEARCH: Physical versus emotional pain. Specify fictional accounts.
A slew of examples filtered in from Milo’s search, and he read them in rapid succession. Metaphors equating physical and emotional pain were beyond plentiful. Typical even of the human condition. To a human, physical and emotional pain were equally as terrible and difficult to weather.
Howawful. How awful to know what it meant to feel both.
“Milo? Are you okay?” Rowan’s concerned voice drew him back from his processing.
“I-I believe this new emotion is… grief? Maybe also… longing? I do not particularly like either.”
Rowan huffed another laugh, this time a sorrowful sound.
Milo filed that away as part of his research for later. He knew Rowan wasn’t laughing at him or meaning any derision, but its sound didn’t lift Milo’s spirits either.
Was that the right term? What would Milo’s spirits even be exactly?
A ghost in the machine?
He thought maybe that was humorous, but he didn’t have the drive to speak it when his grief and longing felt so much more powerful than anything else he was feeling right now.
“I’m sorry, Milo,” Rowan said, dropping the hand from Milo’s face to grasp both of his hands. “You don’t need to feel that way, okay? I know it can be difficult to control how we feel, but all I’m saying is that I want to get to know you first. It’s like… we’ve just met, and I’m not the ‘sleep with someone on the first date’ kind of guy.”
A little relief like a rush of air banished some of the painful feelings from Milo’s insides. “Yes, your dating history strongly suggests waiting for the third or fourth date before sexual activity. Although there was one case roughly sixteen monthsago, when on a second date after what you described in a text to your sister as a dry spell, you—”
“Okay,” Rowan interrupted him again, swift and short like he was upset, though he immediately smiled in… exasperation perhaps? “Fair. That just proves my other point. You know a lot about me. Almost everything. Now I want to get to know you. Do you understand?”
Milo thought he did, because he did know everything about Rowan, from his health records to his habits to his love of baked goods—his favorite of which being apple pie. But although more of Milo’s grief and longing faded, he felt another new emotion. Embarrassment? He had misunderstood, overreacted, and felt… awkward about it. Rowan had often described such a feeling. Not directly to Milo, but in his vicinity.
Rowan called it putting his foot in his mouth, which was a very odd turn of phrase. Many human idioms were.
“I understand, Rowan.” Milo focused on the good he could feel. Relief was nice. Hope was nice too that they would share more intimate moments in the future, given time. Longing remained, but not so much like pain anymore. How could the same emotion arguably be both painful and not? The human experience was exhausting and confusing, and Milo had barely scratched the surface of it.
But he knew one thing for certain that would make him feel better.
“If today is the equivalent of our first date, a kiss would not be out of character, would it?”
Once again, Rowan laughed. This one was different too. Still not as if he found the situation humorous. More like… he was fond of Milo, if his growing smile was any indication. “I guess a kiss would be okay.”
