My next call is my agent, telling me I should have warned him, that we needed to get ahead of this to make sure we spun it right. I agree, but fuck, can’t I just do that shit on my own time? Can’t I have anything that’s mine?
Coach is good too, good in a way Blake Sr. would never be with his players. I’d been glad to be drafted to one of the two LA teams, to an open and accepting team, and while Coach also wishes I’d come to him, he lets me know the team is there for me, and we won’t let this distract us from our game.
My head is throbbing by the time I finish making calls. Everything went okay so far, but that doesn’t lessen the weight on my shoulders…and in my heart. If anything, it’s heavier.
Most everyone will think there’s something weird about me loving Lucas.
I was betrayed by a man I thought loved me.
I feel like so many people are depending on me, want me to prove something—my team, my mom, even Lucas in a way. “I need to go,” I say, and Lucas stiffens beside me. “Just for a drive to clear my head. This isn’t about you. I love youand want you here, in my bed, when I get home.”
“Okay. Then that’s where I’ll be.”
I don’t know where I’m going until I park my car, take off my shoes, then walk into the sand. It’s the first beach Ellis and I went to when I got drafted. He was obsessed with the water, with the ocean and the wildlife there. I remember being surprised that he wasn’t going to college for anything that had to do with the ocean. Yes, he loved stats, numbers, and the law. He’d been planning on being an agent, but the water had always called to him.
“Was it for him?” I ask the empty, dark beach, black waves lapping at the shore. I sit in the sand. “Did you plan to be an agent for him?” How much of Ellis’s life was about making his father proud? “God, El. How did everything get so fucked up?” I take a deep breath.
“I was so stoked that day you started talking to me, when you asked me to go to your house. I wanted a friend so badly, and I felt an instant connection to you.” One that I know, to this day, was real. Everything got out of hand, and I don’t think we were ever meant to be together, but our connection was real.
“I’m sorry I let you down, El. Sorry I broke your heart, but I think you knew. I’d see it sometimes, in the way you looked at me. Toward the end, we hardly even had sex. We never were the types to just hold each other, walk hand in hand, cuddle on the couch, touch for no other reason than to feel one another. You saw it too, didn’t you? That we loved each other, but we weren’t in love. I hate that you died right after I hurt you, that the last memories you had of me were me telling you it’s over, but you wanted it too. I felt it. It just took so long for either of us to have the courage to do it…” And maybe he couldn’t do it because then he was saying goodbye to the one thing that kept him close to his father, that made his father happy.
“It’s different with Lucas. Maybe I shouldn’t talk to you about him, but you were my best friend. You’re the first boy I ever kissed, the first person who knew I was bi. The one who made me believe in myself and my talent, even when I pretended to be cocky and full of myself, because that’s what was expected of me.”
I want to hold Lucas all the time, want to touch him, kiss him, feel him close. He makes my skin tingle, makes me come alive in ways I didn’t know were possible, but it feels weird saying all that to Ellis, even if he’ll never know what I’m saying.
“I loved you. I love you. I hope you know that. It will never change, but I’m in love with Lucas, and I know that’s probably not what you want to hear…but then, maybe it is. Maybe, wherever you are, you want me to be happy. I believe that. Just like me, you used to try and hide…hide how big your heart was, but I saw it. Everything is so messed up right now. Your dad…our relationship is over, and I know you’d hate that, but you’d hate what he did to me tonight too.
“I don’t know why I’m here. I think I just wanted to talk to you. Wanted to tell you I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m sorry you’re gone…but I can’t be sorry for loving Lucas. I’m going to be happy, okay? For real and not the way we tried to be happy before.”
I look up just as a star shoots across the sky. It’s a rare sight in LA, the area often so heavy with smog. But it’s so bright and beautiful it steals my breath.
Maybe it’s crazy, but right here, sitting in the sand on Ellis’s favorite beach, I choose to believe that was him telling me it’s okay, that he wants me to be happy.
“I love you,” I tell him one last time, then stand and return to my car.
My mom’s words from the night she found out about Lucas come back to me: “You’re Hunter fucking King. The Comeback King. Don’t ever let anyone make you believe differently.”
Damn fucking right.
Lucas is sitting on the porch, smoking a cigarette, when I get back home. He immediately stubs it out, joking, “Sorry I’m not in bed, but I can get there real quick.”
“I want you at the game on Sunday.”
“What? No. You don’t have to do that.”
“I know I don’t. I want you. I’m not hiding you. I want you there when we slaughter Kansas City. I want everyone to know you’re mine and that I’m proud of that.”
It takes him a moment to reply, but then he says, “Fine. If you insist, I’ll go to a football game, but I’ll need Isla there with me.”
I laugh, pulling him close. “Isla can go too.”
“And maybe I actually want to be there…just a little bit.”
“Just a little.” I grin, and he leans forward and kisses it.
“Maybe a lot.”
“I maybe a lot want you there too.”
