I’m surprised whenmy phone rings and it’s Hunter. We always talk when he travels, but normally by text because he’s so rarely alone. Even when he’s in his hotel room, he shares with Oakley, so it’s easier to text than have a conversation.
I was certain I wouldn’t hear from him today. He went to see his mom and then to have dinner with my parents. That’s nothing new, but things are different now, the burden of my relationship with my family heavier, because they will never approve of my having been in love with Hunter my whole life, and that I have him now, even if temporarily.
Before that train of thought drags me down, I answer the call. “Miss me?” I tease, and he sighs.
“Yeah. More than you know.”
I freeze, not having expected him to admit that…hell, to feel it. I thought he would joke and we’d give each other shit, before changing the subject. But he sounds…sad, alone, which is exactly how I feel.
“Where are you?” I ask.
“Hiding behind the hotel. I wanted to be alone.”
“But you called me.”
“Not from you,” he says, again with this realness and rawness I’m not sure what to do with. He makes me want himmore, feels even more like he’s mine, and that’s a scary thing to feel because I know I’ll never really have him. “I’m sorry,” Hunter continues, making my insides crystallize.
This is it. This is the moment I’ve been dreading. I should have known it would come after seeing my family—that being in our home, with all those memories, would remind him how much he still loves Ellis and that he doesn’t want me. That my father would hammer home all the reasons I’m a bad choice, even without knowing what we’ve been doing.
“It’s okay, Hunter. I figured this was coming. We had our fun. It’s not like this is going anywhere.” Can he hear the fake detachment in my voice? Does he know this moment is fucking killing me?
“Wait… I’m not… You don’t want to be with me anymore?”
I always want to be with you.
“Isn’t that what you’re saying?”
“No. I…I’m apologizing for your dad…for me. Hell, maybe for Ellis and Abbie too. We should have been better to you. We should have defended you more.Ishould have defended you more. Jesus, I let him praise me, acted like I was the fucking crowned prince or something—being invited into your family the way I was—and I never did jack shit to tell him what he does is wrong. I let him lavish this attention on me while he was terrible to you.”
My heart is beating so hard, I struggle to hear him over the thudding in my ears. This is about me. Hunter King is hurtingfor me. “It’s not your fault. None of it is. You were a fucking kid.”
“You were too, and you were strong enough to stand up to him.”
“I don’t look at it as being strong. I just don’t know how to be anything other than who I am. And I purposely enragedhim, wanted to embarrass him. I stole his car and wrecked it at sixteen, I sneaked out and caused trouble, all because I wanted to hurt him. I’m not innocent. Maybe I’m more like him than either of us wants to admit.” Because once someone hurts me, I’m awful to them. I want to make them feel what I do, and when I’m done with someone, that’s it, which is exactly who my father is.
“You’re nothing like him, baby.”
The endearment echoes through my ears, plays loudly on repeat as if my brain is trying to etch it into memory.
“You’re giving me too much credit, and all your sticking up for me would have done is for him to turn his back on you and take away the opportunities that being close to him afforded you. It wouldn’t have changed things for me, and if he finds out what we’re doing, that’s what will happen. He’ll see this as a betrayal to Ellis, and even more importantly, from his point of view, it will be a betrayalto him.”
We’re both silent, nothing but the sound of breathing on the line. It’s important he understands it, though. I don’t want to be something else that hurts Hunter. He lost his father, then gained mine, and fell in love…then lost his boyfriend. I don’t want him to lose my dad as well.
“You know you don’t want to be on my dad’s bad side, Hunt.” My hands shake as I light a cigarette. I haven’t been smoking nearly as much. I’ve been trying to slow down or quit, but I need one right now.
“You’re smoking.”
“Yeah. You haven’t given me shit about it much lately.” I can’t remember the last time he did.
“Of course I’d rather you quit for your health, but you don’t need me to tell you something you already know, and…I want you to know I don’t want to change you. Too many people have tried to do that, and I don’t want to be one ofthem.”
I can’t speak. Can’t breathe. A tear slips from the corner of my eye. My heart races, feels like the damn thing is growing.I love you…I’m so fucking in love with you, I wish I could say. I wish we could have that, that there wasn’t all this shit between us. I just want to be with Hunter. I’ve always wanted to be with Hunter, but Ellis had him first.
I can’t make words come out, afraid if I speak, I’ll say too much, tell him how I feel, and that will be the beginning of the end.
When it’s clear I’m not going to respond, Hunter continues, “And I don’t want to stop being with you either. I know there are consequences, but I don’t want to stop. You make me feel better than I have in a long time…too long. I don’t want to lose you.”
I wipe my eyes again. What the fuck is with this crying? I don’t remember the last time I cried, which is fucked up when you think about it. This is what I’ve always wanted, but I don’t know that I can believe it’s real. Something will go wrong—with my father, with professional sports, with the fucking world, and somehow, I’ll ruin everything he’s fought for. “Hunt…”
