“I don’t think weird is a bad thing,” he says, surprising me.
“You don’t think this is a bad thing?”
“No. We’re allowed to talk. We probably understand each other more than most people.”
I frown, not sure how losing a brother and what Ellis was to me translates to us understanding each other. “What do you mean?”
“We both know what it’s like to live in Ellis’s shadow.”
His words steal my breath. That’s not how it was supposed to feel being with Ellis. I’ve never told anyone, not even myself, really, that somehow that’s how it felt being with him. Guilt eats me alive, biting into my skin, gnawing on my bones. But that’s exactly how it felt because he was so good, so perfect, the best son, student, friend, boyfriend, football supporter a person could be, but it was so damn hard living up to his expectations. I always felt like if I fucked up, if I wasn’t good enough, I was letting him down.
“Did I say too much?” Lucas asks.
“You didn’t say anything that isn’t true.” The words feel like a betrayal, like I should have swallowed them down and buried them wherever they had been before Lucas dug them up.
Lucas gets it. Maybe even gets me.
“Tell me about your first photos,” I ask him again. That’s the reason I called—we lost tonight, and I played like shit. If I can’t get it together, the Pulse won’t keep me, and why would they? I’m not the same player they signed years ago. Still, knowing that doesn’t make me want to talk about it. Football is all I can think about most of the time, but last week, talking with Lucas was a distraction, something I desperately need again.
“Mom got me a camera when I was six. Not the greatest quality, but I took photos of everything and anything and thought they were gold, which of course they weren’t.”
I chuckle, thinking about a young Lucas finding his joy that way. It’s how I always felt about football.
“The first time I really fell in love with one of my photos,I was ten. We were outside. It was a warm spring day. It was me, Ellis, and Mom. I had an upset stomach that morning, and Ellis brought me chicken soup for breakfast. He was good with stuff like that, ya know? We fought like crazy, but when it counted, he was there.”
A few more pieces of my heart break off, making me wonder if eventually the whole thing will be a pile of rubble in my chest. “Yeah…he was.”
“Anyway, I started feeling better, so we went outside. Ellis was being nice to me because I’d been sick. Dad wasn’t home, and things were always better between us when Dad wasn’t home.”
I’d seen that over the years. It’s hard to focus on anything other than Coach Blake if he’s in the room. He commands attention, and everyone wants to make him happy…everyone except maybe Lucas.
“What did you take a photo of?”
“Of Mom and Ellis. He was picking a piece of grass out of her hair, and she was smiling. I don’t know what made it so special. I think I just caught the right angle, the right light. It felt like a masterpiece to me. I was so proud of it.”
“That’s the photo in the hallway.” It had been there since the first time I went to the Blakes’ house and was still hanging there the last time I’d gone.
“Yeah. She loves it.” There’s a softness to Lucas’s voice that he doesn’t often have when talking about other people, but it’s often there when he mentions Abbie. “I think that’s when she realized I have talent. She used to try and get Dad involved in my photography. He never had any time for it. He was still pushing football on me, and though I still played, I complained about it and never practiced. We always fought about it.”
The pain of what he’s saying hits the bull’s-eye in thecenter of my cracked heart. The way Coach Blake treated Lucas… “I’m sorry I never said anything.”
There’s a short pause before he says, “It wouldn’t have changed anything. Mom tried. Hell, I think at some point even Ellis tried. I betrayed Dad when I didn’t love football, and once you betray Ellis Blake Sr., there’s no going back.”
Fear slithers through my veins, making my whole body feel sluggish. He’s right. Of course he is, and this conversation right now feels like a betrayal of Coach Blake, just like it is a betrayal of Ellis. Their father will never understand me talking with Lucas like this, not after who I was to Ellis and what I owe him.
“What are we doing, Lucas?” I ask, wondering if this feels both heavy and light to him as well. Like it’s too much, too wrong, a weight to bear, while also easing some of the tension I always carry in my shoulders.
“Talking.”
“You know it’s not that simple.” Unless, to him, this is something different than it is to me. Maybe he’s just passing the time with these conversations.
“Do you want to stop?” he asks, the question hanging in the air between us.
I hear him breathing, wonder if he hears me doing the same.Say yes.It should be so simple to say yes, but the thought leaves my skin chilled. “No,” I let the truth free. It’s a strange feeling, like lately I’ve kept so much of myself trapped inside, but that one word escapes, taking some of the pressure inside me with it. “Do you?”
“No,” Lucas answers. “You should know I’m a selfish person, though. I take what I want, regardless of the circumstances.”
“That’s not true.”
