Page 72 of Falling For My Ex's Older Brother

I'm not sad. That's the truth of it. I'm tired in the way you're tired after something that required you to be completely present for a long time. But I'm not sad. I grab my cup and I walk out onto the San Francisco busy streets.

I don't go back to the office just yet. I text Logan that I'll be in after lunch —personal errand, back by 1:00— and I walk. The city is doing its thing, cool and gray, the fog not yet burned off the hills. I walk three blocks without any particular destination and then I find a bench near a small park and I sit down and I let myself think. I’m not even hungry. My appetite was lost once Caleb walked into that cafe.

His words are still echoing in my head; “He'll let you get close enough to matter and then he'll restructure his life so that you fit inside a box he can manage.”

I turn them over. I look at them from every angle. I think about the past several months — the meetings Logan has pulled me into, the Clara Reeves introduction, New York. I think about the way he looks at me when hethinks I'm not looking. The nights and mornings in the hotel rooms that we’ve spent together. None of that fits in a box.

But Caleb wasn't entirely wrong either. Because Logan hasn't said it. All of these months have gone by, and the thing I need him to say hasn't been said. The undefined nature of what we are is still undefined. And I have been patient with that because I understand who he is and what it costs him to open up and I have been watching what he does rather than what he says.

I've been watching. The actions are there. But at some point — and I feel that point arriving with the specific clarity of something that has been building for a long time — the actions have to be accompanied by the words. Not because I need a performance. Because I need to know that I am not a secret. That I am not a box. That the man I have given these several months of my life to — in every sense of that — sees a future that has me in it,andis willing to say so.

I am not going to ask him to choose. I am not going to deliver an ultimatum or a threat or any version of an I-need-more-than-this speech that puts him on defense. That's not who I am. But I am going to tell him the truth—my truth—clearly, directly, without apology. I'm going to tell him what I feel and what I need and I'm going to give him the space to meet me there.

And if he can't — if Caleb was right and the wall goes back up and Logan Drake reorganizes himself around control and distance — then I will know. And knowing, as much as it will cost me, is better than thealternative.

I sit with that for a while. The city moves around me. A dog pulls its owner past the bench. A woman in scrubs walks by eating a sandwich. The fog begins to thin at the edges. I get up and I walk back toward the office.

***

Maggie is home when I get back that evening. She takes one look at me and goes to the kitchen and comes back with two glasses of wine and no questions. She hands me mine. We sit on the couch.

"How was it?" she asks.

"Hard," I say. "And clarifying."

"Did he—"

"He said what I expected him to say. Some of it was genuine. Some of it was designed to hurt." I take a sip.

"One part landed."

Maggie waits.

"He said Logan will let me get close enough to matter and then restructure his life so I fit in a box he can manage." I say it plainly.

"He said Logan's done it his whole life."

Maggie is quiet for a moment.

"Do you believe that?"

"I believe Caleb believes it." I look at my wine glass.

"I don't know if it's true. But I know it touched something real. Because Logan hasn't said it, Maggie. Everything we've been through thus far, and he hasn't said whatthisis."

"What are you going to do?"

"Tell him the truth." I look at her.

"Not an ultimatum. Not a demand. Just — the truth. What I feel. What I need. And then I let him decide what he does with it."

Maggie looks at me for a long moment.

"That's brave."

"It's necessary." I set the wine glass down.

"I've spent my whole adult life being pragmatic about what I want. Telling myself that less is fine, that undefined is manageable, that I can work with whatever I'm given." I shake my head.