Elizabeth felt confused. How was it that the man she accused of having ‘a selfish disdain for the feelings of others’ was taking her comfort into account and departing. She shook her head and returned to the voluminous letter.
My intention in writing to you is not to pain you, but rather in a large respect, to humble myself. I have no intention of dwelling on wishes which, for the happiness of both, cannot be too soon forgotten. Additionally, the effort which the formation and the perusal of this letter must occasion, could have been spared had not my character required it to be written and read. You must, therefore, pardon the freedom with which Idemand your attention; your feelings, I know, will bestow it unwillingly, but I beg it of you knowing that you have a strong sense of justice. However, if the following explanations which I must relate may be offensive to your sensibilities, I can only say that I am sorry.
From the severity of the blame, which was last night so liberally bestowed, I will attempt to give you a full and true accounting of my actions. All I can hope is that you will understand more of the truth of what was mentioned by you.
First, I will address the charges I am guilty of among what you last night accused me of.
You spoke of the insult at the assembly and you accused me of, regardless of the sentiments of either, I detached Mr Bingley from your sister.
That charge will be answered but first I must explain some things to you.
“It will be interesting to see how you justify your cruel actions towards Jane,” Elizabeth said aloud to the birds and insects in the area. She went back to the letter.
To be present at an assembly the first night I was in Hertfordshire was the last place I wanted to be, but it was either to attend or remain at Netherfield Park with Miss Bingley. I chose the lesser of two evils.
It does not excuse my conduct, but I begged Bingley not to importune me to dance any more than with his sisters. Yes, I know that as a gentleman I should have danced as it was easy to see there were many more ladies than men. When Bingley approached me and demanded I dance, I did not see you when I looked in your direction.I said the most offensive thing I could think of at that moment to have him leave me be. It should not have been said, was the furthest thing from the truth, and I apologise profusely. It has been a long time since I have considered you the handsomest woman of my acquaintance.
With regards to your sister: I had not been long in Hertfordshire before I saw, as did his sisters, that Bingley preferred your elder sister to any other young woman in the country.
However, it was not till the evening of the ball at Netherfield Park that I had any apprehension of his feeling a serious attachment. I have often seen Mr Bingley in love before. In the past, those attachments have not led to anything permanent.
Elizabeth remembered Jane’s words in her letter. She had spoken of Mr Bingley’s inconsistency, and a lack of maturity. Could it be that she had interpreted Jane’s words to fit with her own pre-conceived notions? The feeling that it was a possibility was not one Elizabeth enjoyed.
At that ball, while I had the honour of dancing with you, I was first made aware, by Sir William Lucas’s accidental information, that Bingley’s attentions to your sister had given rise to a general expectation of their marriage. He spoke of it as a certain event; at which time, it was not yet so because I know my friend had not declared himself.
From that moment, I observed my friend’s behaviour attentively. I could then perceive that his partiality for Miss Bennet was beyond what I had ever witnessed in him towards any of theladies he had before been interested in. Your sister, I also watched. Her look and manners were open, cheerful, and engaging as ever, but without any symptom of peculiar regard, and I convinced myself, based on the evening’s scrutiny, that though she received his attentions with pleasure, she did not invite them by any participation of sentiment.
Here I must make an admission. I wanted this to be true, and I suspected Miss Bennet’s feelings were deeper, but unlike Miss Bingley, she kept to the norms of propriety and would not show more than is acceptable before Bingley declared himself. As you know your sister well and are as close to her as possible,then, my suspicion is confirmed. Your superior knowledge of your sister must make me accept your assertion as fact.
I used the serenity of your sister’s countenance and air to add to my stated conviction that, however amiable her temper, her heart was not likely to be easily touched. It was not well done by me, and I was not honest with Bingley.
It was not my intention to inflict pain on her. The truth, however, is that I was fighting to protect myself from what I believed was an impossible connection. Your resentment is not unreasonable. If I am completely honest, why I acted thusly is connected to the things I said in that horrendous proposal when I told you about all of the barriers I had to overcome to offer for you. I knew that if your sister and my friend made a match, then you and I would be thrown in company together often, and I was aware that I would not be able to withstand, what I believed, was your siren call. You must have noticed that when we were incompany, I could not keep my eyes from you.
“Goodness!” Elizabeth exclaimed. “He was not looking at me to find fault! He was looking at me with admiration.” Charlotte’s words to that effect rang in her head, and Elizabeth felt no little shame. Her eyes dropped to where her finger marked her place on the page.
My objections to the marriage were not merely those which I listed above. The want of connection could not be so great an evil to my friend as to me. But there were other causes of repugnance; causes which still exist. Until I raised them in my proposal, I had myself endeavoured to forget some of them, believing I would never see you again.
They include the situation of your mother’s family. The ties to trade are objectionable, but they were nothing in comparison to that total want of propriety so frequently, so almost uniformly betrayed by herself, by your three younger sisters, and occasionally even by your father. Pardon me. It pains me to offend you. Even though what I write may cause you pain, and I dare say anger, at my listing what I see as the defects of your nearest relations, I must do so to be candid, even while at the same time I am sure of your displeasure at this representation of them.
However, I must assure you that you and your older sister have conducted yourselves so as to avoid any share of the same censure. Your behaviour as ladies is to be praised. I will only say further that from what passed that evening, my opinion of all parties was confirmed, so I convinced myself that even If I was wrong about MissBennet’s feelings, there were sufficient reasons to separate him from her. Bingley left Netherfield Park for London on the day following as you, I am certain remember, with the design of soon returning.
Elizabeth could not disagree with Mr Darcy’s words about her family’s horrendous behaviour at the ball and still remain honest. She had tried to get Mamma to temper her volume and words, but she had ignored Elizabeth. Papa had not checked Kitty and Lydia; he laughed at them when they behaved like ill-mannered flirts, and then he had mortified poor Mary in front of all. No, Mr Darcy’s portrait of her family was accurate. She continued on with the letter.
His sisters’ feelings about the ills of a connection with your family agreed with my own. That is why we followed Bingley to London; as I said, we travelled separately. As an aside, with what you told me regarding the way the house was closed, or not, as the case is, I now understand why Miss Bingley encouraged me to travel on ahead. I promise you that the £109.00 your father laid out to pay the servants and staff at Bingley’s leased estate will be sent to him in days.
When the sisters reached Town, no time was to be lost in detaching their brother from Miss Bennet. We accordingly saw Bingley—and there I readily engaged in the office of pointing out to my friend the certain evils of such a choice. It was not until I told him I believed (even though I was not confident in my assertion) that your sister did not hold him in esteem, that Bingley accepted what was being said to him. I am fully aware of the fact that he depends on my judgement more than on his own. To convince him, therefore, was notdifficult.
As soon as he accepted that your sister did not love him, persuading him against returning to Hertfordshire was scarcely the work of a moment.
In addition to my not being honest with my friend then, I was dishonest a second time. The day your sister called on Miss Bingley and Mrs Hurst, I was at the house. I only saw Miss Bennet when she departed, and she did not see me, so when I parsed your question and told you I had not spoken to her, that was the truth. My lie was one of omission because I never told Bingley that your sister was in London.
This concealment, this disguise was far beneath me; however, it is done, and as much as I may want to, I cannot go back and change what has been done. I do not look back on my conduct in this affair with anything but shame. Hence, when I arrive in London, I will seek out Bingley and tell him all.
On this subject, I have nothing more to say. I hope that my apology is sufficient, because I deeply regret my actions in this. I cannot even claim that it was unknowingly done because I was aware what I was doing would in the end wound your sister’s feelings. I openly own that the motives which governed my actions were insufficient, and all I can do now is to condemn them and myself for acting the way I did.
Elizabeth read the last few paragraphs again thrice. The man who was acknowledging his errors bore no resemblance to the sketch of the man she had in her head. Had she erred? Not feeling nearly as confident as she was when she began to read, Elizabeth returned to reading.
Now allow me to address the things that you charged me with which were false. You said that part of my motivation for separating your older sister and Mr Bingley was my desire that he marry my sister, which had been written about in the missive Miss Bingley sent to your sister. Further, you accused me of dishonour for proposing to you when I am engaged to my cousin, Miss Anne de Bourgh.
