And something terrifying settles into place inside me.It’s not fear.It’s worse.I can picture the future.Our future.Traditions.More trees and Christmases.More laughter, maybe one day, our children’s laughter.
My heart thuds against my ribs before the thought can fully form, but the images flash anyway.Vanessa on the floor beside Larkin last weekend.Tiny fingers tangled in red hair.Soft laughter filling the room.My pulse stumbles hard.Jesus Christ.I drag one hand across my jaw.
“Hey,” Vanessa asks from beside the tree.“What’s happening in that head right now?”
Too much.Way too much.I look at her standing there glowing beneath white Christmas lights and realize with sudden terrifying clarity that I’ve stopped imagining how to survive losing her, and now, now I’m imagining forever with her.
Chapter Thirty-One
Hayden
Bigger Than The Whole Sky
Taylor Swift
Christmas Eve arrives faster than I would like, and for the first time in years, I don’t have to carry the weight of it alone.
Morning light spills in soft waves across my apartment while Vanessa moves through the kitchen in one of my sweaters, the Christmas tree glowing gold behind her.The sight still does something catastrophic to my chest.
Four days ago, this apartment looked like a museum exhibit designed by a depressed millionaire.Now there’s ribbon curled beneath the couch, ornaments hanging unevenly because Vanessa insists imperfection builds character, coffee brewing on the counter, Christmas music constantly humming through the speakers, and Vinny asleep beneath the tree like it’s his.
This is my life now.My warm, messy, beautiful life.And I love it.
Vanessa glances at me over her shoulder while pouring coffee into two mugs.“You’re staring again.”
“I’m thinking.”
“That’s usually concerning.”
A quiet laugh slips out of me before I cross the kitchen toward her.She hands me a mug as she moves closer.Everything with her feels natural now.I press a soft kiss against her temple before leaning against the counter beside her.
“You nervous?”She wonders out loud and the question settles between us with a heavy thud.Because Vanessa knows today matters.She doesn’t know all the details, not everything, but she knows enough.
“A little.”Which is probably the understatement of the century.
Her fingers weave through mine reminding me that she’s there.And somehow that almost makes this harder.Because I’m not used to someone standing beside me when things hurt.I’m used to carrying them alone.I’m still learning this part, but she makes it easier.
The drive to my parents’ house is quiet.Snow falls in a steady rhythm beyond the windshield as the drive out of the city changes to suburban streets wrapped in Christmas lights and wreath-covered doors.
Vanessa keeps one hand resting against my thigh the entire drive.She’s my quiet anchor.Somewhere about twenty minutes in, conversation fades to silence.It’s a nervous silence and I can feel myself retreating inward on instinct.Bracing for the impact I know always comes when I visit my parents.
Vanessa notices.Of course she notices.But she doesn’t push and doesn’t ask questions.Instead, her fingers tighten around my hand when I grip the steering wheel too hard.And somehow that almost undoes me.Her steady assurance and presence now constant for me.
“You can still change your mind,” I offer without looking at her.
“About what?”
“This.”
Her gaze stays on me for a long second.“I’m exactly where I want to be.”
Jesus Christ.This woman.I look away before she can see how she effects me.
My parents’ house looks exactly like it did the last time I was here a year ago.Same white lights.Same faded wreath hanging on the front door.Like time stopped here years ago and nobody ever figured out how to start it again.
Something tightens beneath my ribs the second I pull into the driveway.Vanessa notices the shift in me because she reaches for my hand before I can even shut off the engine.
“Hey.”
