“No,” she says with a soft shake of her head.“That’s kind of the problem.”
I stare at her, at a complete loss.“I don’t know what that means.”
She hugs both arms around herself before looking away toward the windows.Snow continues falling outside in heavy silence.“I can’t keep doing this.”
The words land like a physical hit, the breath whooshing from my lungs as my entire body locks up in fear.“Doing what?”
Her throat moves with a hard swallow before her eyes lift to meet mine again.“This version of us.”
Confusion crashes into panic somewhere beneath my ribs.I slide out from the sheets to sit on the edge of the bed, my hands gripping onto the edge of the mattress.“Vanessa.I don’t understand.”
“You took me to the ballet last night.”Her voice shakes now despite how calm she’s trying to stay.“You remembered something I told you years ago when we were together.You listened.You paid attention.You made me feel…” She closes her eyes for one second before staring back at me.“Seen.”
I gaze back at her helplessly.Because I did listen.I do pay attention.Every second.I see her.
“Then we saw Mikey and Quinn.”
Everything inside me freezes.Oh shit.
Vanessa laughs once, but there’s no humor in it.“Do you know what my first thought was when we saw them?”
I don’t answer, because all of a sudden, I’m not sure I want to hear what it is.
“I thought,finally.”Her eyes shine painfully now as she stares over at me.“Finally, I get to be part of another piece of his life.”
Guilt slices through my chest as I rise to walk to her, but she takes two steps away from me.“Vanessa?—”
She holds up a hand to stop me.“And then, you looked at me and said, ‘Not tonight.Tonight is just for me and you.’”
Hearing the words repeated back, something ugly twists low in my stomach.Because now I understand what she’s thinking.The separation.The compartmentalizing.But that wasn’t what I was trying to do, which I try to explain now to her.“That’s not what I meant.”
“I know.”Her voice breaks, her hand rising to cover her mouth as she clears her throat.“God, Hayden, that’s what makes this so hard.”
She loves me.The realization crashes through me with terrifying certainty.Not because she says it.I know because of the way she looks standing there right now like this is killing her.And somehow understanding that terrifies me more than anything else possibly could.
“Let me explain.”I try again, but she shakes her head.
“I love you.”The words leave her mouth in a quick blurt and they hit like a gunshot.I swear my heart stops beating for ten seconds as I watch frozen, her eyes closing for a second as tears gather, despite her obvious effort to hold them back.
“I do,” she whispers on another shaky breath.“I went and fell in love with you.”An even shakier laugh leaves her, and it’s filled with pain.“Again.”And Christ, that alone hurts so fucking much.Knowing that I made her feel like this.
I try reaching for her again before I even know I moved, and again she steps away from me, her hands splayed out in front of her.“I can’t live inside your gilded cage.”
The words stop me cold, a chill slicing through me that leaves my veins feeling like ice.Not because they’re cruel, but because I understand exactly what she means.
Somewhere along the way, I built an entire version of us that only exists behind closed doors.“I’m not trying to cage you.”
“No.You’re trying to protect me.”Tears spill freely down her cheeks now.“You’re trying to love me the only way you know how.In your quiet, private way that you think keeps me safe.”
I reach for her again, but she shakes her head no before I can touch her and somehow that hurts worse than anything else so far.
“I love you too,” I profess in angst.“So much it scares the hell out of me.”My voice cracks, harsher now.“I’m trying, Vanessa.I’m trying to show you how much I’ve changed.”
Her face crumples at that, her shoulders shaking.Because she knows I mean it.“That’s why this is so hard,” she whispers.“Youhavechanged.”
Hope sparks through me for one impossible second, but in the next second, she destroys it.“Just not where it matters.And I refuse to be your secret any longer.”
“Let me fix this.”I drag a hand through my hair as I plead with her.“I can fix this.”
