Vanessa
Say Yes To Heaven
Lana Del Ray
The shift between us is small enough that nobody else would probably notice it.But Hayden notices.Of course he does.That’s the problem with falling in love with someone observant.You can’t even pull away gently.
And I have fallen in love with Hayden Sloane.Again.Which in itself should feel amazing, but I find by Monday morning, I’m trying to reclaim pieces of myself.Not in a big way and not in any way in which I’m trying to hurt Hayden.I just attempt to make more space for myself to breathe.
I stay late at the museum Tuesday night instead of leaving at five like I have been for weeks.Wednesday, I tell Hayden I already made plans with Nicole after work.Thursday, when he asks if I want to stay over at his apartment, I tell him I have an early meeting and should probably sleep at home.
None of it is technically a lie, but every time, disappointment flickers in his voice before he smooths it away, and guilt curls low in my stomach because of it.Because the worst part?He really is trying.That’s what makes all of this so hard.
The old Hayden would’ve demanded answers already.He would’ve wanted to know where I was, who I was with, why things felt different.He would have been sitting outside my apartment waiting and watching.This Hayden notices the distance and gives me room anyway.
Which somehow makes what I’m feeling even harder because I truly don’t want to hurt him.
By Friday afternoon, Chicago is wrapped in cold rain and gray skies, the kind of early December weather that makes the entire city feel exhausted.I’m standing in the museum restoration room cleaning varnish from the edge of an oil painting when my phone buzzes across the table beside me.
Dinner tonight?
I stare at the screen for a second longer than necessary before typing back.
Only if you promise not to feed me enough food for hibernation again.
The typing bubble appears immediately.
No promises.
Later, when I step outside, Hayden’s waiting, but of course he is.He’s leaning against the hood of his car beneath the glow of the streetlamp, and just like that, my entire body betrays me.The butterflies start fluttering.God, what this man does to me.I know he’ll ruin me if I let him, but I walk toward him anyway.
He’s dressed almost all in black tonight.Dark wool coat.Black sweater beneath it.Hands shoved into his pockets while rain catches in his dark hair.The second he sees me, his expression shifts into something soft.Like finding me settles something in him every single time.Knowing this feels dangerous.
“Well,” I say as I approach, trying for casual but failing.“That’s a very dramatic pose you’ve chosen.”
“Is it?”His brow furrows like the thought of him actually trying to pose in any way is such a foreign thought.
“You look like you’re about to star in an expensive cologne commercial.”
One corner of his mouth lifts.“You like that?”
I roll my eyes even as warmth curls low in my stomach.“I’m not complaining.”
Hayden reaches for me the second I’m close enough, fingers brushing mine before he takes my bag from my shoulder.“Long day?”
“Mm.”I lean into the warmth of him while he opens the passenger door for me.“One of the interns nearly destroyed a nineteenth-century frame with citrus cleaner.”
“That sounds like a fire-able offense.”
“It should be.”I agree as his hand settles against my lower back as I slide into the car, the touch light.He’s being careful.I can tell he’s still learning and still trying.And somehow that matters more than all the intensity ever did.
The drive to dinner is quiet in the comfortable way we’ve become over the last two months.Rain taps against the windows while low jazz hums through the speakers and Hayden’s hand keeps finding mine every time he stops at a red light.He does it without thought now, like touching me has become instinct.
By the time we pull up outside La Scarola, the knot of tension I’ve carried all week is loose enough that I almost resent how easily he can affect me.Warm light spills across the sidewalk from inside the restaurant windows, the smell of garlic and cheese wrapping around us the second we step through the front door.
“There he is,” the hostess smiles when she spots Hayden.“Starting to think you had abandoned us.”
“Temporarily distracted,” Hayden answers without hesitation.
